Wednesday, February 1, 2012

continued....Episode 5. Puerto Rico!

Nothing spices things up like a trip to a Latin Country. Puerto Rico is Latin right?? Even though it's in the Caribbean? Idk...idk.

So, we start things off with a one on one with Nikki! Since Nikki is from Texas, I've thought that she looks familiar. But, I don't know her at all and I need to stop entertaining the thought that we had a class together in college. Nikki is really bubbly and sweet...perfect personality for her profession of dental hygiene. (Shout out to my mom who has been a dental hygienist for about 30 years!) Also, something else you must know about Nikki, she has had a divorce.....soooooo, you know we are going to have to talk about that elephant in the room.

wow. cute pic. nikki is quite photogenic. 

Nikki becomes extra bubbly and excited about learning she is chosen for the one on one and excitedly runs to get ready and put on her best colorful Puerto Rican style dress. That dress would only be cute in Puerto Rico. It was just too something...too one sleeved, too multi-colored, too short. I don't know, just TOO something. But, she is rocking it and off they go on their date and how else could it possibly start?? On a helicopter, of course!! Best way to see the island! Best visual party for the audience at home watching!! They land and grab sno-cones (yum) and start walking the town and it starts raining, not like a trickle but like a full fledged storm. They are soaked and running around sort of frantically. But, what does Nikki do? She just doesn't care! Let's that make-up run off in the rain! Proving to Ben what a cool chick she truly is. 

Somewhere in the course of this Robert and I  get into a discussion of "what size Nikki is". Nikki was looking a little..hmmm hefty, I guess would be the right word? I remind Robert that she is just a normal girl and a normal size and I would look like a WHALE on this show. But, then I proceed to tell Robert that pre-pregnancy I was a size smaller than Nikki. Which I think I might be or maybe I just really WANT to be because I don't want to think I would be the hefty one on The Bachelor. pppffffftttttt

Then Robert hits me with this gem, I actually tweeted it. He goes, "If you weren't pregnant you'd be as skinny as those other girls on there, except the really skinny ones." He was so sincere and he thought it was a huge compliment. But, in other words, I'd be Nikki, and husbands and wives all across America would be debating if I was "hefty". Oh welllll, oh well. 

After the rain storm, Ben and Nikki do some Puerto Rican shopping. I wondered if this was originally part of the date or if they just needed to change after the rain. Nikki picks out a moo-moo. #notcute. I even like some moo-moos, not this one. It had some sort of necklace halter thing? eww. But, I didn't see the selection and maybe that's the best she could do. Ben goes totally Latin and rocks an all linen white get-up. Robert was like "what is he doing?" and I thought he was just being silly and it was kind of funny. (remember i think corny things are really funny now). They continue to walk around town and what should they come upon but a wedding!! And what is this a perfect opportunity for...well for Nikki to talk about her divorce...duh! I feel like I now know more about Nikki's divorce then I ever cared too and I think Ben felt the same way. She was young...blah blah...they became different people...blah blah....they went to counseling. Never ending story. But, Ben felt she opened up and thinks she can just chalk that failed marriage up to being young and Nikki gets the rose. 

Next date time! It should just be called emotional sh*t show time, but we'll just stick to group date time for now. And it's a baseball theme!! Take me out to the effing ball game, ABC. The girls get coached on some hitting and fielding and they are actually looking pretty good. I couldn't help thinking about how much I would have hated this date. I am just not sporty. Don't make me play softball. Everything is seems to be going great and then Chris Harrison (uh-oh something is about to happen) pops up and says the girls need to split up in teams and they are going to play a softball game vs. one another and the losing team does not get to go with Ben for the night. 

he wouldn't be smiling if he knew the suffering the losing team was going to endure

Of course, everyone is taking this entirely too seriously. Blakely keeps mentioning that she played softball in high school AND college. Wait, Blakely went to college? Well, then why is Blakely a cocktail waitress? hmmm. Somehow they get a competitive game going. They keep tying and having to go into more innings. How do they not all suck??! My friends and I trying to play a real game of softball would be a joke. But these girls actually keep scoring and making this a real game. Finally, Jennifer strikes out and the red team takes the victory over the blue team. How ironic because Jennifer strikes out again at the end of the episode and doesn't get a rose. Oops! Spoiler alert! Oh, almost forgot to mention the classic Courtney line of the game. She said, "Blakely is good. I didn't know stripers could play baseball." Courtney, BE MEANER. p.s. this is on TV, Blakely's DAD can hear you. 

those outfits....

the agony of defeat. 

You would have thought the losing team was just sent into exile to Afghanistan for the rest of their lives by the way they reacted to not getting to spend another 4 hours with Ben. Lots. of. tears. Blakely is especially distraught because she hasn't had a one on one yet. Emily still feels like an ass for talking bad about Courtney to Ben. Rachel is upset, but not really, because roller girl doesn't get upset. And Jennifer is verbally abusing herself because she is the reason they lost. It was also major salt in the wound when a helicopter landed on the baseball field to pick up Ben and the winning team. Ouch. All the while Courtney is spewing out all of these ridiculous insults at the losing team that don't even make sense. 

oh yeah, and Ben gave, Lindzi (horse chick), immunity and she got to go with the winning team

So, onward through the night. Ben gives Kasi B. the rose because she's "The Frontrunner". I'm telling you guys, Ben digs this chick. Courtney wants to start spitting and putting hexes on Kasi B., but instead she gets Ben to go walk by the ocean with her and tells him of her skinny dipping fantasies, thinking that this will in every way one-up this Kasi B. connection. Classy, Courtney, use that sex appeal. Butttttt, no skinny dipping happens...yet....

Next we have the one on one with Elyse. The personal trainer from Florida. And they're on a boat! Yacht time! Ben says being on the yacht with Ashley last season was a turning point for him. Does someone need to remind him that it didn't work out?? Maybe don't compare ANYTHING with "what happened with Ashley". 

Anyway, Elyse tells Ben she's already accomplished everything she wants to in life and she just wants someone to share it with. I don't think I've ever heard anyone say that they have "accomplished everything they wanted in life". Elyse did get her Masters, so yay, but really, there's not more out there you want to do? And she is a personal trainer. I'm pretty sure the guy that used to be my personal trainer didn't finish high school, so I don't know what that means, other than "way to really utilize that Masters degree, Elyse." They jump off the boat and Elyse is being really "open". It's dinner time already! Elyse then says the thing that really puts the nail in the coffin, "I'm just tired of being single." she tells Ben. Whoa. Red flag. Ben does not like that. Which really confuses me because every one of this show including himself is obviously tired of being single. So tired, if fact, they are willing to date someone on prime time television. Regardless, Ben is not feeling Elyse and he cannot give her the rose. 

Robert thought she was going to get it, but I knew it was time to let Elyse go. They even played the David Grey, theme song of this season, to really get everyone emotional. Poor Elyse even asks Ben what she did wrong. I wish he could have just handed her a copy of the book "He's just not that into you". Still, it's sad, poor thing. 


The girls back at the suite are debating if Elyse will come back when what should happen...someone comes to get her purple suitcase. Gasp! Courtney is thrilled and says "maybe she got to drunk and her Jersey Shore came out." The other girls say nothing and look at each other like "did she just say that?". But, touche, Courtney, because Elyse does have a bit of a Jersey Shore look. Still, what kind of witch says that? You reap what you sew, Courtneyyyyyyy. 

And if I haven't typed the word Courtney enough, we have to go into what she does next. She sneaks out and offers Ben a "night-cap" and a chance to fulfill her promise of going skinny dipping! Has she lost her damn mind? She says the other girls are going to hate her when they find out, but it's fine because she already has enough friends. Really? I want proof of that. It's hard for me to believe that Courtney even has ONE friend. She's terrible, let's be real. So, she goes onto bombard Ben and pretend to care and be sympathetic about his day and how hard it was on him to let Elyse go. But, she is really just throwing her model body in his face. Literally, she was pulling down her robe to give him a sneak peak.

Ben said, "Oh my."

Yes, oh my, Ben. So they skinny dip in the ocean. Both fully nude and ABC had to blur out, you know, their parts. WHAT A SCANDAL. 

Rose ceremony time. Emily sits Ben down and says she's totally focused on their relationship now and none of the other girls, but then says, she still thinks Courtney is deceiving him. OMG. Can she just NOT bring up Courtney? Apparently, she cannot. Ben tells her to, "be careful and tread lightly because she has no idea what goes on between him and the other women." Emily leaves the conversation with Ben and tells the other girls, "he hates me." Oh geeezz. Hate is a strong word.

The girls are sitting around with their cocktails and what should come up but, skinny dipping! Courtney keeps hinting at what she did, but not really, and no one catches on to her secret rendezvous with Ben  Blakely tells Ben something deep, but it made absolutely no sense and I refuse to let myself go back to that conversation. 

And the conclusion, that I mentioned earlier, the shocker, that Jennifer, the accountant from Oklahoma, didn't get the rose. I really thought it would be Emily. I was surprised. This is so real! Poor Jennifer was already talking about how great it would be to bring Ben home. Frowny face. At least Ben didn't lead her on any more? And Ben keeps picking this Jamie chick? I have not seen them have ONE conversation, but she just keeps on keeping on. You go girl. 

who are you? 

I can't not mention the previews for the upcoming weeks. Looks like the girls are rallying for an Anti-Courtney Movement. Could like the model from San Fran could be going down?? Watch her win? Perfect. pppfffffffttttttt. And what on earth happens to poor crying Casey S.?? Boo. I don't want her to go home. I like her and her clothes. 

see you next week. scary! 

1 comment:

Robert said...

You would be the rare contestant who looks better in candid footage of you around the house than you do in your official photos for the ABC website.