Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Longest recap ever and not even done....

Panama City. If that doesn't scream for a good time I'm not sure what does. (sarcastic tone). When they showed the resort and city I couldn't help feeling depressed. The pool was empty, it was overcast and the water was brown. This city does not want to make me find love. It makes me want to get a refund and head back to the states.

(My gosh, I'm negative. Sorry, zero energy right now, folks. Damn you pregnancy. I tend to be more up-beat when I can hold my eyes all the way open. Don't worry. I'll push through. It's all worth it. A low energy Bachelor post is a small sacrifice to pay for a baby.)

SO. Anyway, back to Episode 6. One on one date time with Kacie B. You may recall that she got the first one on one in Ben's hometown of Sonoma. Or is his hometown San Francisco? Did anyone else catch that he claimed both? You can't do that. I'm from Carlsbad. So when I visit Santa Fe, I don't give people the illusion that I'm from Santa Fe. I stay real with Carlsbad. Even though Santa Fe is cooler. If I was Ben's friend, I might advise Ben to "stay real." with where ever he's from. Alas, I am not Ben's friend. Good thing because I might have talked him into NOT being on this show and then WHAT would I be blogging about now?

side note: Robert has told me that I don't used the "strike-through" correctly. ppppffffftttt. there is no correct way to use to strike-through. it's not covered in The Elements of Style. it's a weird thing people that blog use and I will strike through whatever I want to strike through. but, I will accept all of your other helpful grammar tips with maturity and humility, honey. 

Kacie B. Back to you. Things seem to be getting pretty, pretty serious between her and B-money. Second one on one when Blakely hasn't had a single one on one? Shoot, count your blessings, sister Kacie B. And time with Ben=blessings. It's in the Bible.

I don't know if anyone remembers her mentioning this 80 times, but this has been hard on her because their first date felt like SO long ago and those deep feelings developed SO early. Emotional roller coaster for baton twirling Kacie B. Good thing she is getting some affirmation in Panama City. She says she wasn't nervous for the first one. #liar But, now she's nervous. The date card says to bring "3 items". hmmm. What is this....a scavenger hunt?

So, with this second one on one and things going to the "next level" Ben is questioning if they will "run out of things to talk about." Valid concern since they basically have nothing in common besides an olive skin color. I was on the edge of my seat to see if this would be the most boring date in Bachelor history. But how can it be boring when you start out with a helicopter ride and Kacie B. wearing next to nothing? Those shorts...that half top...so little there! The helicopter takes them to a deserted island. I was waiting for one of them to start cracking LOST jokes, but it seems neither one had watched the best show ever. That's good because if one had and the other hadn't...they would have been on totally different pages all day. You don't want to be reminiscing about Sayid, Sun, Shannon, Jin, Boone and "The Others" when the other person just doesn't get it. When Robert and I first started dating everything was perfect except he hadn't watched LOST and I couldn't discuss it with him. Somehow we made it over that hurdle and our relationship flourished. #truelove

They are on the island and are acting as if they have to "survive". They show each other their items that they were required to bring. Ben's items were totally picked by an ABC intern. A fishing net...a knife? Okay we are onto this date's "theme". I can't believe they actually caught a fish and ate it. And then did they eat that coconut? I bet that wasn't even good. Where did they get the champagne?? That wasn't one of the "items". Cheaters! But, they seem to be getting along and there are no awkward moments. They are just having fun doing all these fake survival activities. Ben says something like, "I love how Kacie B. just goes with the flow." Oh what is she going to do? Throw a fit about being on an island all day? I don't think so. She's an administrative assistant. She's just glad to be out of her cubical.

Onto dinner! Things are going to need to get deeper here. Nothing was revealed on the island. No bad relationships...no death of a family member. What is 24 year old Kacie B. going to tell Ben that is really going to "let him in"? Drunk stories from college? She's got to have some kind of skeleton in her closet. Reach DEEP, girlfriend, there is a rose on the line. And then it comes.....Kacie B. struggled with an eating disorder in high school. Actually two eating disorders... anorexia and bulimia or some used the combined term bulimarexia. Yes, sadly, that is a real word.

Okay, so I don't take eating disorders lightly. They are real and sad diseases and I feel for anyone that has gone through any sort of bout with them. I personally have best friends that have gone through it. But let's look at Kacie B. What is she like 90 pounds soaking wet? I'm not exactly sure that she struggled, as in "e-d", past tense, there could be some struggling, as in "i-n-g" present tense. That girl is tiny!! BUT, she could have been "born that way" and eats all her 1200 calories a day and I really need to shut up. Did anyone feel that is was ironic that her parents caught her in high school on Super Bowl Sunday and it was just Super Bowl Sunday? Poor Kacie B. being caught throwing up Super Bowl food. Queso? Pizza? uggg. Nevermind, why am i picturing this?

sidenote: I went to the doctor and I've gained 40 pounds throughout my pregnancy so far. (oink oink) So, I'm probably NOT in the best place to discuss this stuff . Plus, I'm definitely jealous of Kacie B.'s little 24 year old bod frolicking on the deserted island. ppppfffffttttt

Back to the one on one....of course, after hearing about Kacie B.'s courageous fight, Ben gives her the rose and they make out. I'm predicting she's in the final two. That's right, you heard it here.

Also, I'm kind of surprised that she might be the first in Bachelor history to talk about an eating disorder. I've lived in a sorority house and I'd say 8 out of 10 of us had some sort of body image/eating issue at the time. So, with these Bachelor contestants being a group of far more unstable women than my sisters, it has to be a good 10 out of 10 has struggled at some point. But, Kacie B. has stood up and said it aloud and can be an inspiration to all of those young women trying to be as skinny as she is. ha. We are all just not her body type ladies, come to terms with it.

Group Date Time!!!

Sh*t always gets weird at these, but it's about to get ever weirder because of what they are doing. Is this ALL there is to do in Panama City? They couldn't come up with anything else other than going to a remote village untouched by society, but now tragically getting invaded by an ABC production crew? Did ABC pay the village for this? Do you think they bartered like corn and beans to get to film there?

So they approach the island and they see little boys in loin cloths kicking around a soccer ball. Well, this isn't something you see everyday! How quaint! They are then welcomed into the village and asked to change of course. Let's REALLY get into the village mode. 

Courtney. Where do I even start with her. She really gave an all out rock star performance on the group date. She just keeps topping herself. Just when I think she cannot get any worse...SHE DOES!!! She decides to really get into village mode and wear the see-through beaded top. Just that top, NOT her bathing suit underneath. It's so old. I mean, you've already shown Ben, the goods. I guess it's not enough and she has to show the other girls too. The others are pretty mortified at her behavior. Nikki says, "I would never do that." Nobody would except insecure Courtney, Nikki. Be strong and try not to look at her nipples. HOW AWK.

Even more awk when they start dancing and Court is just bouncing around Ben. Ben loves it! Ugg. He just can't stop thinking with his penis. 

Also, I hate to point it out, but Ben was looking pretty pudge in that loin cloth. The loin cloth does NOT hide anything. But he's having fun and who cares, right?!

I was highly entertained that every shot of Courtney had to blur out her boobs. Once, I watched a "Behind the Scenes Real World" or something like that and I remember them saying how expensive it was to blur out body parts. Courtney's antics, while great for ratings, might have been a little pricey!!!


Finally it's nighttime and the girls can stop pretending that they care about learning about culture and the village and can just do what they do best: sit by the pool in dresses and bikinis and drink cocktails. And we see Jamie speak for the first time ever!! She has a voice! Ursala didn't take it! (Litter Mermaid reference) Jamie has decided that she needs to get more aggressive and just tell Ben how she feels and maybe even just kiss him! Well, where have you been, Jamie?! I notice she has glitter eye make-up on and I lose all respect for her immediately and know that she is definitely going home. Plus, her outfit of hot pants and gold halter top were just trying SO hard. 

Jamie calls Ben over to a private area to talk about how she feels, which is hard for her. Btw, is talking about how one feels hard for EVERY ONE? Every freaking girl has said that. Can someone just be okay with telling someone how they feel? Geez. Jamie is boring Ben to tears when who should come splashing around in the background, but sexual Courtney? Not distracting at all when a model is splashing around in her white bikini in the background. Not at all. I thought the sluttiest thing she was going to do on this episode was wear that see-through top.  But, no, she made a fool out of me because this might be a hair sluttier and definitely just meaner. Jamie is annoyed, but like she can compete. 

this pic is fantastic. hahaha. Courtney, you b.

But, if I'm honest, I have to say that I think I would rather watch Courtney swim then talk to Jamie. Sorry, I'm not sorry. Jamie, lock it up. They don't kiss. I'm relieved. I think Ben is relieved. 

Ben steals some one on one time with Lindzi during this date.Why is Lindzi's skin orange? Bad self-tanner? Not sure. 

They smooch. Ben tells her how laid back she is. Lindzi tells him she doesn't believe in fighting. They reference her being in "dumpsville" or "splitville" or something from the painful break-up text she got from her ex. Robert pointed out this weird thing she does with her head. But, Ben is feeling her and she gets the group date rose. 

Ben and Courtney get some one on one time in this cool chair. That's the first thing I've wanted to do in Panama City! I would sit in that cool chair if I went there. Anyway, I don't even remember what they talked about but Courtney's confidence was flying high per usual. She even hinted that he should come get her in her room for some "alone time". ppppffffffttttttt

Oh and then one on one time with Emily went down too! She tells Ben some joke about how there is another man in her life...."the chief"? I thought it was a reference to back home and the chief of staff because she's getting her Phd in something, but Robert thought she was talking about the chief of the village. I'm guessing he's right. Ben thinks Emily is SO funny for telling that joke. Oh Ben and his low low standards. Emily finally manages to have a good conversation with Ben and not bash Courtney and I think they both feel good about it. 

Emily goes back to the girls and is in such a good place that she decides to apologize to Courtney for misjudging her. This is great! Let's all just be friends and gather 'round the fire and sing Kumbaya! Courtney is not having it. She does NOT forgive and forget and she and Emily will not be friends. That is such a HEALTHY way to live, Courtney. Good luck with that!

And I don't think Emily misjudged her, she properly judged her, but judging is wrong (as displayed in these recaps) and it's the right thing to do that she apologized. 

I'll touch on how Courtney stayed up late and put make-up and cute leisure wear on and waited for Ben to come to her door, but it didn't happen. Then she cried and said guys always end up taking her for granted. I'm guessing it could be because she's a terrible person and guys eventually catch on to that? Just a guess...

Alright....The dreaded Two on One!!!

How annoying was Blakely being about this date?? NO ONE likes the two on one, it's like an unwritten rule. Yet, Blakely was excited? I'm telling you a screw is loose. Or she is just really confident and my self-esteem doesn't work like that and I'll never understand. Rachel was not excited like a normal person. Let's just get this over with. 

They are salsa dancing...perfect! Some one is ALWAYS left out in that. Let's fuel this fire! 

Those dresses. Dear me. Blakely is certain she has got this date in the bag. Salsa is sensual and sexual and she is those things. I think it may be more loose in every possible way, but however she wants to spin it. Blakely is giving Ben the sex eyes and dancing like Marisa Tomei in The Wrestler. Rachel is not going to let Blakely take over and his trying to shake what her mama gave her too. Then it comes to Rachel..."Blakely is tacky!" EUREKA. They move onto to dinner. It's uncomfortable for everyone. Then each get their individual time with Ben. Rachel is normal, tells Ben she really likes him. 

my eyes! my eyes!

Blakely has made some sort of book or what looked like an inspiration board. I had to shield my eyes. It gets down to the rose and Ben picks Rachel. I honestly think he's not really into either of them, but the thought of Blakely making him another keepsake was just too much to bear. Blakely is very upset and it really did make me sad. Robert even said semi-seriously, "she just needs love." and we all do. We all just need love. 

How about when Blakely was bawling and clutching Ben for dear life and they cut to the cat in the street. It just made the whole thing seem that much more sad.

I mean, Blakely is 34 and can't find love and to top it off here we have this ferrel cat on the streets of Panama city. Cut to homeless people. Cut to guns. The world is a terrible place. 

I really need to wrap this up because I have a hair appointment in 20 mintues. Yes, I've been doing this all day. How humiliating. Blakely has nothing on me. 

So, all episode long, we've all been wondering. What is going down with Casey S.? We've seen the previews of the crying and the Chris Harrison intervention and we know something is about to happen. But what? Did Casey's grandma die? Has Casey been diagnosed with some terminal illness? Chris comes in asks for Casey S. and all the girls are like WTF? Chris confronts Casey about having a boyfriend named Michael and they (ABC producers and Chris?) have actually spoken to Michael. Shoot. Busted. Michael says they are together! Casey says they are broken up! Someone is lying. Casey explains that Michael doesn't want to get married and she doesn't want to have feeling for him, but Chris pried it out of her she is still in LOVE with Michael. 

work stuff...blah blah... will finish this later....


Robert said...

Where did you find the picture of the cat???

Jamie said...

"Christ" confronts Casey? The suspense is killing me! I need part two!

Great recap!

alexis scarff said...

NY Mag did a recap that i refused to read because i new i'd just want to copy and paste it to my blog..haha. but THEY had a pic of the freaking cat. hilarious.

And Tria, the typos in that post are endless, but Christ tops them all, I might have to call Chris Harrison Christ from now on :) goodnight.