Thursday, June 2, 2011

Bachelorette Season Seven: Viva Las Vegas!

Hey, sick-o's (like me that care about the Bachelorette), how are we this week?? One less day in the office, I'll take it, right? Since, we are a bit delayed this week due to having Monday off, so is the apologies to those of you that have been refreshing this blog every 10 minutes praying for the highly acclaimed exclusive reviews here of The Bachelorette's antics on Monday evenings.

Okay, here it goes...

William gets the first date and it's a one on one??!! Lucky dog!! Cell phone salesman has GAME!!!! I see free text messaging in Ashley's future. Speaking of the two lovebirds go to Sin City!!! What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!! Unless you are on reality television that is.....

Ashley's clothes choice was interesting. Loved the leather jacket, confused about the short tight white dress. But, that all unfolds itself as we see what the their day consists of. Wedding cake tasting...ring shopping, so basically wedding planning?? White dress for the theme of the day. GREAT job, Bachelorette producers...guys LOVE that!! I wish I would have worn white on my first date with Robert, displaying to him how ready I was to be a BRIDE! Ashley knows what's going down here with her little white dress. And don't forget...they are in Vegas, they could just tie the knot right there. What is going ON here? A day of wedding planning leading up to the wedding. Oh boy...

As I hinted, I don't think the producers really thought this one all the way through. According to my survey it is safe to say that 98% of men want nothing to do with anything "wedding planning related". Yes, they want to buy the ring, maybe talk about the music at the reception and be sure that there is ample booze involved, but everything else is up to the woman.

Also, let's remember that they are on their first date. Let's chill on the wedding talk? Isn't there anything else to do in Vegas?? The M&M factory? That roller coaster?? Anything?? Cake tasting and ring shopping should make Big Willy Style break into hives. He clearly is unsure about what this date is about. While cake tasting, he says that the cakes, "seem like wedding cakes, but maybe Ashley is just hungry and wanted cake..." What did he tell himself when they were trying on rings? Ashely just wants to buy a new ring? Poor thing. He says, "I mean, I know it's a joke...." but he is pretty flushed. Seriously, though, did he seriously think they would get married and then the season would be over? No, I'm guessing not. A legally binding union is not going to take place between Ashley and William.

Which could explain why Will said "I do..." and Ashley said, "I...will...maybe later?" or something like that. Eeehhhh. Awkward. Then they share their first kiss during their faux wedding ceremony. 

Somewhere along this blissful day, Ashley claims that this is her best first date ever.


Ashley's best first date WAS her carnival date with Brad Womack. I know this because they stated it over and over to each other throughout the date. "This is the best first date, I've ever had!" 

no more is this the reigning champ of first dates for Ashley H. r.i.p. 

Back to William and Ashley in Vegas. She says she knows that William is "fun" but, she's looking for someone who can be "serious" too. So, Ashley's mental bullet points of key personality traits in a man she wants to marry go as follows:
  • fun
  • serious
What does that even mean? What is serious and how serious does he need to get? Does he like need to read National Geographic and watch the History Channel? No, that's not really what it means. What it means is that William better buck up and share something tragic and difficult about his past. Voila! He delivers. William had a bad relationship with his father. :(. His father tragically died and now his watch is set to the time of his father's death reminding him to live life to it's fullest. :(. Ashley relates. Her dad is an alcoholic and has been in and out of her life. :(.  She immediately feels a bond. It is the daddy issues that binds them. Oh and they are sharing this with each other while sitting in the middle of the Bellagio fountains. Not to shabby. Props to the producers at ABC for coming up with that doozie.

btw, i've been to Vegas 3 times and never seen the fountains. 

William gets the rose. Score! 

Still wonder what wireless company he works for....AT&T, T-mobile, Verizon, Sprint?? 

Onward to date numero dos. It's a group date, hold on tight, this is sure to be a bumpy ride. 12 dudes board the private plane to Vegas. And what will they be doing there....dancing!! Ashley wants to show these boys that she can m-o-v-e.
get it gurrrl. 

The arrive and walk into a rehearsal of the dance crew the JabbaWockeez. They watch them perform, probably processing they are going to have to dance on prime time television when Ashley surprisingly pops up at the end of the performance. Just like magic! She then tells the guys to split into groups two groups and make up a short dance routine. The winning group gets to stay in Vegas and preform with the JabbaWockeez. Party! The losers get to go back to the mansion and play beer pong. 

The groups name themselves the "The Best Men" and the "No Rhythm Nation". The Best Men only incorporate Ashley in a little bit of their performance, during which they mimic a wedding ceremony and the No Rhythm Nation incorporates Ashley in their entire routine which is supposed to be a dance interpretation of a rose ceremony. Both groups get an A for effort, but the JabbaWockeez decide that the "No Rhythm Nation" takes the prize. Or did they? It was probably the producers making sure that Bentley hung around so he could get America really riled up with his awfulness. 

there's the Vegas group date on stage channeling New Kids on the Block

So, the 6 boys of No Rhythm Nation and Ashley perform in front of thousands with the JabbaWockeez and are feeling pretty good about themselves and then retire to cocktails on the rooftop, while the men take turns wooing Ashley. One of them declares, "we were a team today, but now it's everyman for himself." Here comes the testosterone. 

Blake the dentist pulls Ashley aside and she shares her concern with him that they might have too much in common. Two type A personalities might be too much for one relationship? Is that a country song? She tells Blake, "I am a perfectionist." Well, Ash, that will make guys DYING to marry you. Blake says, "they will be twice as perfect together." Awww. 

While talking to Blake, she gets pulled away by West. She says she really wants to get to know West and she is glad that he pulled her away. I'm thinking, Are you sure you want to get to know him? Because, if so, shit is about to get real. West and Ashley go sit on the stage and West tells her about how he had a wife that passed away. :(. While I do think West's story is very sad and he did need to share it, it did seem a little much for the Mandalay Bay in Vegas. I think Ashley used the word heavy. Definitely heavy. But, of course, Ashley is touched glad that West opened up and told her that. Let down those walls, West. 

Then - duh duh DUH- Bentley pulls Ashley away. He's told the camera that: a. she's not his type, but has a nice but and legs b. he's not in this for the long run, c. the competition part is what makes fun and finally d. it would be fun if she would tickle his pickle. But ABC bleeped out the word pickle. So, obviously he's terrible and inevitably, Ashley's crazy about him. 

They are laying on some type of couch thing and I feel like she is making herself keep a distance because she wants to pounce him. He mutters like 3 words about his daughter and all of the sudden she is begging him to stay if he has any feelings at all. She also somehow assumes that Bentley is being like she was on The Bachelor? That's weird, I didn't pick up on that. The pleading proceeds. "Please, please, please..." She said please like 8 times. I was thinking, GIRL, you have got to PLEASE stop. He is playing you like a $2 banjo. (I got that phrase of the West Wing. Thank you Aaron Sorkin) Bentley is very pleased with his conquer telling the cameras something like, "this is too easy..." Bentley, you are so effing cool, I can't even tell you. Doesn't feel good to be so bad? Soon, you might join the ranks of Jason Mesnik, Brad Womack, Wes the country singer (last name...idk right now ppffftt) and be America's most hated man because of your actions on this show if you keep this up! You are effing rad!!! 

ashley saying please, please, PLEASE....

The date ends and Bentley gets the rose proving all women are gullible and stupid and we move on. Yes, West probably should have got the rose after his revelation of his wife dying, but no, Ashley says, she is giving the rose to "someone who gave up a lot to be here." ppppfffffttttt. Ashley gave Bentley the rose because he's cuter, sorry, West, try again later. Bentley is ready to play blackjack now. Stay classy, Bentley.
jp to the left/mickey to right

Next up J.P. and Mickey flip a coin to see who will go on the next one on one date. A one on one, leaving that to the fate of a coin?! This is crazy!!! Mickey wins and off to Vegas he goes. Lo siento, J.P. 

Mickey and Ashley continue the theme and keep flipping a coin through their entire date. I kind of like that because it is a theme and I love a theme. NST! Never Stop Themeing!! (inside joke-sorry) Anyway, Mickey and Ashley have a grand old time wine tasting, talking about how his mom passed away :( and then a surprise performance from Colbie Caillat!! I know 2 of her songs if I hear them on the radio or in a grocery store, but I wouldn't have known who that was on the stage in a million years. Robert had never even heard of her. The look on Mickey's face said that Colbie Calliat was his favorite artist or that he thought she was someone else.

Colbie Calliat??!!!

Ashley is definitely feeling Mickey, (she likes Mama's boys) but to keep with the theme she suggests they flip a coin to see if she's going to give him a rose or not. What?! Mickey doesn't like these odds. She was going to give him the rose either way. Phew! Mickey the chef in the clear, put that rose on his lapel. And scene.

It's time for the rose ceremony and you know what that means- scorned Bachelors that didn't get anytime with Ashley and gloating Bachelors that already have roses. These two wrongs do not make a right.

J.P. goes in for the kill right away and parlays the whole coin toss bit into snagging kiss with Ashley. Those New Yorkers are smooth. William gets more time with Ashley causing West to make a snide remark. 

Then the masked man, Jeff, the entrepreneur, steps in. They have this secret creepy meeting in the stairwell. Oh but it's not a secret because the cameras are rolling. He tells her that he had a brain hemorrhage and his wife found him having a seizure on the bathroom floor and since then his life hasn't been the same. :(

Now, here's where I'm going to STOP and say these guys have got to calm down with the sad stories. How am I going to make fun and judge them?? It's making it a real struggle. I was ready to come out guns blazing with Jeff the masked rider, but now I feel like a real jerk if I were to post pictures of Zorro or The Phantom of the Opera and compare them to Jeff. You can't make fun of the guy that had a brain hemorrhage. Not to mention, William's dad passing away, West's wife tragically dying and Mickey's mom passing away. I know that death is part of life and this stuff happens but, GEES, boys, I'm about to wear black on Monday nights and just get ready to be in mourning. (That's not extreme at all.)

Anyway, Jeff, goes on to tell Ashley that he and his wife split up after his hemorrhage due to "untruthfulness"...whatever that means...and then he says he is ready to take off his mask. She confirms that she would love that. As he begins to lift the mask off his face for the first time, Matt steps into the stairwell and asks to speak to Ashley. Great timing, Matt. Jeff might kill you in your sleep now. The mask has got to be feeling a little uncomfortable at this point. But, Ashely steps away with Matt and Jeff fears he won't get a rose, since, well, she hasn't even seen his face. 

Matt and Ashley have an unmemorable convo and then Bentley steals her away. He carries her over to the fireplace declares that he is sick of talking and they kiss. Bentley tells the camera later that it was kind boring. Ashley tells the camera later that her gut tells her to trust him. This is sure to end well!!

Ashley says good-bye to Matt, Ryan M. and Stephen. Matt is the one who called his mom with Ashley. Ashley tells Matt to tell his mom, Gail that she said hello. Eeehhhhh. The family is already involved...awkward. But, Matt makes it better and hilariously calls his mom and leaves a message that Ashley isn't in love with him and that she needs to pick him up at the airport in 5 hours. ha. Ryan M. and Stephen leave with dignity. God's speed boys.

I personally missed Tim at the party....

umm, excuse me, Tim, you're on a TV show right now....would you like to wake up??

Tim confirmed to this week that "the next morning was a giant fog". I believe that's called a hangover? He also said this sort of thing never happens to him, but maybe in the future he'll stick to club soda on first dates. Good call, T-money. Life's a dance you learn as you go....Sometimes you lead, sometimes you're on The Bachelorette.

On that note, I'll end. Can't wait for Bentley's dramatic departure next week....


Liz said...

Ummm ya I just read all that. And again, I don't even watch the bachelorette! Ha! You are so entertaining :)

a. scarff said...

Liz, you really raise my blogging self esteem!! :)