Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Bachelorette Season Seven: Ashley H. in the house!

So, I don't know if you were around, but Robert and I tag-teamed blogging about the last season of the Bachelorette - Ali's season. Robert's posts were sort of legendary, intelligent and hilarious. Tragically, he made me delete them when I told my mom about my blog because they contained the "F" word? (Franni wouldn't have cared, but Robert has a rep to protect with his in-laws, so I reluctantly took down the priceless material. It still exists in my email archives...don't worry.) I wish he would come back and blog with me on this season because his posts and perspective really struck a chord and tickled the funny bones of some wives that have husbands that watch The Bachelor/Bachelorette with them. Alas, for now, you'll just have me. Maybe, I can have him hop on board for a guest post down the road?? I'll need your help on this so please comment if you want Robert to come back ;). It takes a village, people.

Alright, let's get down to business - Ashley H. is the chosen Bachelorette!! We know her from the last season of The Bachelor with Brad Womack (BW) - I'll drop the H just call her Ashley from now on.....Soooooooo, Ashely...here we goooooooo!

In BW's season, she looked like this:

After she found out she was going to become the next Bachelorette, ABC gave her a makeover and now she looks like this:

Extensions, change of color...it looks good. It scared me a little on "The Women Tell All" at the end of BW's season...

whoa there, not prepared for new Ashley....

But, now, I realize that her original look of the blond highlights and layers are very Friends circa1998, so I'm glad we've moved forward. Out with the old, onto finding love on reality TV!!!

What we know about Ashley from last season are mostly good things peppered with some red flags. 

Good things: 
-dental school
-comfortable posing with shells on her boobs for Sports Illustrated
-felt apprehensive about her feelings for BW
-claims she felt insecure (how could you NOT be..the guy you're trying to have feelings for is having romantic wine dates with Emily. duh.)

Red Flags:
-claimed her first date with BW was the best first date ever
-said she ultimately feel in love with BW after she went home

How, I repeat, HOW does anyone fall in love with BW...I mean, he's nice enough, but my gosh, the man is a simpleton. I don't think he said a sentence when more than 3 words the whole season. A couple times, I wished that I could knock on his head like a door and say...."hello, is anyone in there??" Anway, going into Ashley's season, I have respect for Ashley, but this pesky "falling for BW" factor has me worried. Does she really have any standards whatsoever?

As the episode begins, we see Ashley going about her life in Philadelphia. She goes back to dental school, we see her running. I think every single Bachelor and Bachelorette is a runner. I can't remember ONE that hasn't had the running scene. Then, I start having Tenley flashbacks!! OMG - who knew that Ashley was a DANCER??!!! Get it GURL!

Then we get serious and she rolls her suitcase into her bachelorette pad in L.A., she's wearing a midriff top. Ash, you're out of the dance studio now, time to put on a whole shirt!! She walks outside...voice over on how she is sure she is ready to find love this time. andddd SCENE

And here come the boyyyyzzzzz

Here we have Ames, but I'd like to nickname him "Painful". Painful has 2 degrees from Columbia and another from Harvard. Okay, yeah, he's smart. And yeah, I'd love to have more education under my belt. And yeah, I'd tell everyone if I had a Masters from UT Dallas, let alone a doctorate from Harvard, but let's be real here, Ames. No one wants to hear it. Save that for your Wedding Announcement in the Times. And I don't care how smart he is, he was wearing ill fitting pants and his blazer seemed a little off too?? The gay guy that helped you at Bergdorf's lead you astray my man. Still, Ashley, looks past this and boom, Painful Ames goes on to see another episode....He gave her a ticket to ballet...ppppfftttt. We get it Ames, your cultured and intellectual.

Next up, we've got Anthony from New Jersey aka token Italian guy. He's a fourth generation butcher. He seems like a pretty genuine guy. Robert and I kept calling him Silvio Jr. Any Sopranos fans out there??

Maybe Anthony would have got a rose if he wasn't giving Ashley the creepy sex eyes all night. Please, Anthony, please be more of a cliche Italian guy.

When I was in high school, I went to France with the French Club, four of my best friends were on the trip too. When were were at the Eiffel Tower we started talking to a group of Italian guys. One particular took a liking to my friend, Annie. He said, and I quote, "Your eyes....they are like two stars sparkling in the sky." Later, we all got a lecture from Mrs. LeClaire, the French teacher on the trip, about how Italian guys are "different" and have "expectations" from American women and that we needed to be careful who we talked to. 

These Eiffel Tower memories were surfacing when I saw the way Anthony was eyeing Ashely. I know that the "Your eyes...." line was about to come tumbling out of his mouth at any moment. He didn't get a rose and as he was leaving he confessed that he had been single for 7 years. Frowny face. Can some nice Italian girl from Jersey go take Anthony out on a date?? 

Here we have Ben C. Ben C. is romantic. Ben C. speaks French. Ben C. has declared that he is passionate. Robert said that he wishes he would have proclaimed to me that he is passionate when we meant at Ghostland. Ben C. gets a rose.

And onto Ben F. Ben F. is a winemaker. This series loveeeeesssss them some winemakers. (i.e. Andrew Firestore and Jesse from Jillian's season and The Bachelor Pad) Ben F. brought her some wine for his introduction. Smooth. Women love wine. Women love men who bring them wine. Ben F. gets a rose.

Here we have Bentley. Oh Bentley, Bentley, Bentley. How can he really be so horrid already? Did ABC hire him? I mean when they are showing previews he is stating that he doesn't care about Ashely, but he'd feel differently if it was Emily. No YOU DIIIN'T say that!!! Bentley's not even entertaining, he's just gross. Plus, he has a daughter named Cozy. Did he think he was getting a cat or hiring a stripper when his ex-wife was giving birth? The name Cozy is not okay, unless it's a family name of someone VERY beloved. He's already pulling out the "I'm a dad. My daughter is everything to me." card. PPPFFFFTTTT. I don't believe you, Bentley. Ashely has already heard that you aren't here for the right reasons. Whatever. He gets a rose, got to keep him around to keep the drama, baby!

Here's Blake. I remember nothing about Blake except he's a dentist too. A dentist ending up with a dentist....you know we all like that. He gets a rose. 

Next up, Chris D. Sports Marketing Coordinator from Illinois. Yeah, couldn't tell you one thing that happened with him last night, but the kid gets a rose (I think?). REAL memorable guy, obvi. ha. Sorry, Chris D. 

Chris M. here. Okay, Chris M. is from Canada. I have really high expectations of guys on this show from Canada. My favorite contestant of all time (Robert's too), Craig M. is from Canada. And the most d-baggiest guy, Justin "Rated R" is from Canada. All I got from Chris M. last night is a THICK Canadian accent. Was he doing that on purpose? I mean, my boss is from Canada. I know Canadians and this guy took the Canadian accent to a place that I've never heard. I think he gets a rose too...hope to hear more out of him soon. 

Meet Constantine. Yep, that's one you don't here every day. He's Greek - shocker! He's the one that tied the pink floss around her finger. Oh brother. He gets a rose. I remember her saying, "Constantine" and I was like, "There's a Constantine on this show?!"

This is Frank. My mind draws a complete blank, except that he did say something dumb and Robert and I judged him. I think he got a rose.

This is Jeff. And this is when shit starts to get weird. Jeff wore a mask all night. Claiming that our society merely focuses on the outside of a person and it's what is on the inside that counts. "Umm, excuse me Jeff, you're on The Bachelorette, Season 7. Maybe you should have chosen a different forum to share your dissertation on the problems of society." The masked man, Jeff, gets a rose. All the other guys are totally creeped out. 

Omg, this is Jon. The E-Commerce Executive. I asked Robert what that meant and he said he probably has a website. I have a website! (You're reading it) So, my new job title is E-Commerce Executive :). Back to Jon, Jon did NOT get a rose. I thought he had a killer tie and shirt on, but it was not enough to woo Ashley. Jon had a massive breakdown when he was cut. Tears involved. Poor, poor Jon. Apparently he and his family watched Ashley on BW's season and were already quite attached. Never mind the whole "never spending any real time with her" thing. Jon was heartbroken. Stay strong brother, you are only 26.

J.P. from New York! J.P. claimed that the New York dating scene was growing monotonous. What does that mean? You've slept with everyone there? J.P. seems charming and natural. He tells Ashley that his nickname at work is Cupcake, she admits to him that she wants her future husband to call her Cupcake. Does this mean they are destined? I like to eat cupcakes, do you think that I AM Ashley's soul mate??  J.P. gets a rose.

This is Lucas. Lucas spoke twice and both times he said the word Texas. We get it, man! You are from Texas! Lucas gets a rose. 

Here we have Matt. I was about to type that I remember absolutely nothing about you, but then it came to me.........you're the one that called your Mom with Ashley. Ballsy! Matt gets a rose. 

Michael from Rhode Island. He threw the guitar in the pool, I think??? I think he got a rose? Sorry for the doubts of accuracy. You're not reading the Wall Street Journal, bear with me. 

This is Mickey. He's a chef. He must be reallllll confident because upon arrival he went right in for a french kiss. He got denied there, but he gets a rose. 

Nick the personal trainer. Do you think he'll end up training all the guys in the house?? "5 more reps!! You can do it!! Push yourself!!!" Nick gets a rose, but won't last too long, I feel like he's 19?? He's really 26. Same thing. Okay, not really, but you get it.....

Here's Roobbbbbbbbb!!! Take a good look, because Rob doesn't get a rose. See ya, Rob.

Here we have Ryan. I don't remember Ryan at all. I think he got a rose??? I'M LYING!! Wait, Ryan is the guy that made her take pictures with him??? Then asks her if she'll take a picture of him with Chris Harrison inside. Clearly, 100% in this for love, not to meet Chris Harrison. 

Drumroll!!! Here's Ryan P. - FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE WINNER!!! He seems like the world's nicest guy. He runs a solar energy company. He's just looking for the right girl to bring some "sunshine" to his life. I kill myself!

Here's Stephen. I don't know if you can kind of tell, but he's a hairstylist. He commented on Ashley's new hair color when he met her. That really gets a girl in the mood for romance....let's talk hair color!!! Stephen gets a rose.

This would be Tim. I have two word for Tim - Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm hoping that he is a member now after watching himself last night. Tim, by trade is a liquor distributor and he likes to distribute liquor to himself in large quantities. When he met Ashley, I thought he had a speech impediment. I saw the King's Speech. and I thought "I know what's going on here, Tim has a stutter!" Looking back, I just think Tim was already drunk. He's too drunk to even speak to Ashley and eventually falls asleep at the party. Timmy, come on now! How much did you have?? Since Ashely didn't want to start out a relationship checking Tim into the Betty Ford, she passed on giving him a rose. It's a tough lesson. We've all drank too much and been there. Of course, most of us aren't 35. Step 1: Admitting you have a problem.....

Here, we've got West. No, I didn't misspell that like I normally do. It's West as in opposite of East. He gave Ashely a compass that was stuck on West. Well, wasn't that clever! West is the Emily Maynard of the season, meaning he has the past that makes you want to curl up in a ball and cry for hours. West lost his wife of 7 years because she had a seizure in the bath. Bless his heart. West gets a rose. 

Shoot! I almost forgot William. William the cell phone salesman! I wonder if he works for Sprint, AT&T or Verizon??? I wonder if he'll upgrade Ashely's long distance plan to get ahead of the game?? William gets a rose. Those cell phone salesmen know how to close a deal.

That's all for now folks....I know this is shaping up to be "the most dramatic season ever"!!!!
p.s. I heart Chris Harrison


Jamie said...

Robert, Robert, Robert!

Please come back as a guest writer :)

I will definitely read these Bach. posts because they are hilarious, but I will not be watching. I think I gave up on that show after the "guard and protect her heart" season. That was weird.....

Liz said...

ok Alexis, I love your blog. I haven't watched the bachelor/bachelorette since Ryan and Trista! But, I read your entire post word for word and was thoroughly entertained. Can we please get together soon?! K, thanks!

alexis scarff said...

Jamie, thank you for your begging!! Honey, Jamie wants you back!!

Liz, I wish I could stop watching...I have a problem?? We MUST get together soon..like stat!!! I want to hang out with Zach!!!!