Monday, May 16, 2011

127 Hours of Raw Emotion

I know that I'm having one of those weeks where my emotions are raw when I tear up several times while I'm watching my DVRed episodes of Glee. It's not okay that when Quinn and Rachel are singing the "Unpretty/I Feel Pretty" remix and I'm choking back crying. That's is the moment where you've got to take a step back and assess the situation.

i.e. ask yourself........"what is wrong with me??"

In my experience, raw emotions are generally a result of an unresolved issue brewing in your psyche or coming off something that was traumatic for you. Raw emotions are usually self inflicted and can be remedied by "talking it out".

Not this week. This week I refuse to put any of the blame of my raw emotions on myself. This week I'm blaming my raw emotions on Aron Ralston.

Oh are you not familiar with him? Please, please, let me brief you. He's the guy that the movie 127 Hours is based on. You know the one that was nominated for Best Picture this year? James Franco also got the nomination for Best Actor. It didn't win either of these categories, but after seeing the movie this week, I definitely see why it got the nod. The movie was hard for me to watch at times, but it was good.

If you're not familiar with the premise, I'll sum it up the best that I can. This guy, Aron, is rock climbing by himself. He falls and his arm gets stuck underneath a small boulder. He is stuck there for 127 hours. At the end of these 5 days, he breaks and cuts off his own arm to get free and survive.

Needless to say, the images of this movie have stuck with me with week. And when I stuck with me, I mean, haunted me.

During the time when Aron is stuck under the boulder, he has a video camera and he starts to do a video log how long he has been there, his thoughts, how he is trying to get out of there. He also starts to have flashbacks of his life. He thinks about his mom and dad. His friends. His ex-girlfriend. He regrets. He regrets not calling his mom back. He regrets not telling his family how much they meant to him. He regrets not telling anyone where he was going. He regrets thinking that he is invincible. He realizes he created this situation. That his whole life has been leading up to this. That this boulder has been waiting for him.

That's when I got scared. It sounds silly, but I thought to myself, what is the boulder that's waiting for me? What is the lesson that God is trying to tell me, but I keep refusing to see? Is he going to have to put a boulder on me before I realize that I'm not invincible?

These thoughts along with the whole deal of him cutting off his own arm is what has been haunting me.

I think I want to be haunted by these thoughts though (NOT the arm ones). I want to look at my life continuously, daily, hourly if I have to, just to figure out how God can have more of me and I what I'm trying to hold onto for dear life. Is God going to have to move a metaphorical boulder on me for me to let go? Maybe he is, regardless of my efforts. It's usually in pain that I realize my necessity and dependence on something so much bigger than myself. If that's what He has to use, then so be it. A small price to pay for a shift of perspective and a realization that it's not about me. I liked a lot about the movie, but I really liked that it made me get to this point in my thoughts.

I still wish I hadn't seen or rather didn't even KNOW that someone had to cut off their own arm. Hopefully these images will fade. Honestly, I looked away for most of that scene, but what I did see is still burned in the forefront of my brain.

Cheers to you though, Aron Ralston. You're going to have the best story at cocktail parties forever.

Speaking of arms/limbs/appendages. God is DEFINITELY telling to be thankful for simple things like that, that I easily take for granted.

Robert walked in the door last night with a jammed hand from a basketball game. Yes, this sounds like a mild thing. It is- in the grand scheme of things. Still, last night looking at his swollen palm and looking up what could be wrong on the internet, I began to slip into a slow spiral of freaking out.

At minimum my hope was that my uninsured husband would agree to get an x-ray to make sure that there isn't anything broken in there. When his fingers and his arms were tingling last night he was on board with this. But, he woke up this morning and he thinks it's getting better. It's turning blue. I still think he needs an x-ray. Yes, I realize that I'm not a doctor, it's just my humble opinion. True, it could be nothing more than a bruised hand, but one must take precautions, right? ppppppffffffftttttttt. What to do? I know it will be okay, still my emotions are RAW thanks to Aron Ralston, so I'm worried.

Prayers for wisdom on what to do with Robert's blue hand today are greatly appreciated.

Also, just looking at Robert's hand, I don't know how ol' Aron survived the whole boulder crushing the hand bit. Pretty sure I would have killed myself after feeling that pain....

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