Wednesday, April 20, 2011

innocent husband comments

For those of you that are unaware, females are sometimes moody, irrational and sensitive and any comment or wrong look can set us off in a million directions.

BUT, I've learned when you're married, sometimes you have to put your femaleness aside and you have to bite your tongue, laugh and be a good sport because husbands don't know what they are saying. I think they mean well most of the time. It just finds a way to come out completely wrong.

For example:

Towards the beginning of our marriage, I came home from work one day and Robert said, "There's my big girl!"

BIG GIRL. No, no, no.

You cannot call me "big girl". The novelty of being called someone's "big girl" wore off at age 5. After 5 we all start getting eating disorders and distorted body images. jk jk!! That doesn't start until  at least 10. Really though, I wish I was lying, but I remember being weighed at school in 5th grade and I was horrified that I weighted 10 more pounds than some of my friends. I didn't believe the whole "if your taller you should weigh more" thing. I just felt fat. Or BIG.

I also felt big when I came home from work BEFORE Robert used, "There's my big girl." as a term of endearment that day. I'm not sure, but I think I cried and since then, Robert and I have decided that adjectives he should use to describe me should be the same ones that describe Mischa Barton. i.e. skinny, petite, waif-like, tiny, size 0, possibly on drugs. (okay not the last one). But, you know what I mean. He knows now that most comments remotely alluding that I am "big" will be received with murderous rage or melt-down sensitivity. Neither of those emotions are very fun.

On Monday we were making lasagna. Robert had gone to the grocery earlier to pick up some things we needed for it. We were chopping vegetables and having a merry ol' time. I got out the ricotta cheese to doctor it up a bit and notice that it's low-fat. We usually don't get low-fat cheeses or low-fat anything for that matter, so I naturally assume that Robert accidentally got it or they were out of the regular fat ricotta. I say, "Low-fat ricotta? Did you get that on purpose?" and he replies, "Yes, I got that the low-fat for you."

for me :)

He goes on chopping, not thinking a thing about the fact that I need low-fat ricotta. I'm just standing there staring at him. I mean, really?! Am I on a diet that I'm unaware of? Who said I needed low-fat ricotta? I don't recall saying that? He then notices that I'm staring at him and says, "You know I didn't mean it like that!!"  I say, "Oh really, do tell, then, HOW, do you mean it??"

I mean hilarious. What a MAN thing to say and even more MAN that he thought it was okay to say. I died laughing and then I decided I have to call his mom and tell him what he said, because she will not believe it and think that it was hilarious too. I called up Robert's house and his Dad answered and I tell him the low-fat ricotta line. His Dad says, "He did not say that." I assure him, that yes, he did indeed say that he bought the low-fat ricotta for me. We had a good chuckle.

In his defense we are always talking about how we need to eat and cook more healthy. In his defense again, he is lifts me up 99.9% of the time in every way possible, even with his subtle innuendos that I need to lose weight ;). haha.  I'm kidding, I don't think he thinks that.

Poor husbands/boyfriends/men, they can't win if the buy the low-fat ricotta, they can't win if they do. Good luck, boys, you're going to need it. ;)


Robert said...

Do I dare defend myself, or would I just dig a deeper hole?

Admittedly, "big girl" was a terrible slip of the tongue. And it makes us sound like freaks, so thanks for sharing with the world.

alexis scarff said...

"sharing with the world"? that's not dramatic at all.

bri said...

alexis, you should know that i've started following your blog and i LOVE IT!! the ricotta post had me cracking up in a roomful of co-workers for an embarrassing length of time. keep em coming :) this shit is gold.

alexis scarff said...

Bri, I didn't know how I was going to make it through today and I'm pretty sure your comment is going to get me the driving force. Can we please hang out soon?? Then I can blog about it. haha.

alexis scarff said...

*be the driving force.

i'm hopeless!