Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Bachelor: Season Ben.....Recap on Episodes 1-3

Same, Same but Diff, and just Diff

So far a lot of the same stuff that happens every season started right off the bat. Awkward painful introductions that made you want to poke yourself in the eye, bad dresses and unstable girls with the emotional issues were rampant on Episode 1. We had the token single mom, the law student, the personal trainer, the 34 year old cocktail waitress, the administrative assistant (my fave right now), the model and an odd British chick. The stage is getting set for all of these personalities to collide and everyone to get surprised at how "serious and real" this all is. 

By Episode 2, I really can't stop rolling my eyes at the SAME stuff that happens every season begins to unfold. Granted, I'm rolling my eyes, but they are still glued to the television as if my life depends on this show. 

For example...some of the same biz...the sweet girl gets the first date card. Here we have Kacie B. I like to think of her as "The Frontrunner". 

Sure, she's just an administrative assistant from Tennessee, but I'm telling you, the girls got game. She was already telling Ben that she wanted to show him the south. The first date and you're ready to bring him home? Subtle. Smooth. Cute. Getting under his skin, but not overkill. Plus, some genius at ABC put together a slideshow of childhood pictures of the two of them that they watched at a movie theater. Those slide shows are the kind of thing you play at your rehearsal dinner. I felt like I was at their rehearsal dinner. Kacie, will you accept this rose? Duh, she's moving on with her bataan in hand. And I checked her bio on abc.com. Chick has 3 tattoos. I think this admin has a wild side. 

More of the same happens once more, when the girls start proving to the world that a majority of we women are, in fact, evil....examples A. Blakely on the left from Cougar Town and B. Courtney on the right from Hades. I just like to call Blakely "Boobs Mcgee" and Courtney "The Black Widow Spider" 

They both scare me.

Blakely's boobs scare me. Blakely's profession scares me. Blakely's aggressive nature scares me. Something is not all there with Blakely. The light is on and no one is home. Ben is thinking with his penis and gives Blakely the rose on the group date in Episode 2. #goodcall The other girls do a great job at hiding their fury. pppppffffffftttt. #yeahright

So Courtney...it scares me that people that Courtney exist. Why so mean, Court? Yes, you are really pretty in this effortless 1970's way, but you are really ruining it with all of your evil comments and black heart. You will fool Ben for a while, but eventually your cover will be blown. By Episode 3 Court's personality really begins to shine. Please tell me that you guys caught when she said "See ya" to Shawntel after she didn't get the rose. I mean, the most crushing moment of Shawntel's life and Court throws salt in the wound. Brutal. She is also pretty blunt about how dumb she thinks the other girls are. But, Robert and I both laughed at the "See ya" to Shawntel. AHHH. hahaha. I mean, total mean girl move. Regina George would be proud. (This show really brings out the worst in me. Who am I pointing fingers at someone with a black heart where I'm clearly loving Court's evilness for my own entertainment value?) Anyway, Court is the mean one that all the girls hate and will tattle-tell to Ben about eventually as the previews portray for Episode 4. Blakely is a close second for the one that everyone else hates. It happens every season. Some girls just cannot play nicely together. 

More of the same....unnecessary crying. 

Everyone say hello to Jennifer from Oklahoma. Ben has dubbed her the best kisser in the house. Brown Chicken Brown Cow. I call her "Trying Too Hard". Her smile in that picture is even trying too hard. In Episode 2, Jennifer had a breakdown after she saw Ben kissing Blakely after he kissed her on the group date. This is when I get confused. You signed up for this. One guy...dating multiple women. This is the premise of the show. But apparently, no one is prepared for all of these "real" feelings and the flowing alcohol helps the tears come easily. She has a mini-breakdown, embarrassing, but run of the mill and almost expected. Jennifer has hung out with Ben once and maybe talked to him for 10 whole minutes, but that's all it took and the girl is attached. 

Onward to more of the same same same......we have the "bonding with heights" date

Ben goes on a one-on-one with Emily to kick off Episode 3. Emily is getting her PhD in something I can't remember. She rapped to Ben on the first episode. It made me cringe. Anyway, for the date's activity they have to climb the Bay Bridge. Big shocker...Emily is scared of heights. 

BUT, of course, she conquers her fear and goes into the relationship metaphor of how getting over your fear of heights is just like getting over your fear of commitment. "You just have to take the chance and you can experience something really beautiful" or something like that. She and Ben both express how since they accomplished this together they can now really get through anything. Robert pointed the contestants of Double Dare didn't think were ready for a lifetime commitment just because they got through the physical challenge together. Yes, Ben and Emily did an extreme activity and no one died, but in no way does this mean they are meant to be. Sigh. But they are all hyped up on adrenaline and talking about how honest and genuine the other one is, so it's just better to let them soak up their moment. A highlight for me is when Emily came clean with Ben about being on match.com and then how it matched her up with her brother. Hmmm. I might call that rock bottom. But, pretty funny. Their date ends in fireworks. Sparks flying. A rose is given. Same same same. Anyone remember the Jake and Vienna bungee jumping? And what heights related activity did Brad Womack's season do?? I think it was he and Michelle Money climbing a building? (WHY do I remember this stuff is the real question here.)

Also, in the same category, we have Lindzi's (spelling realllllllyyy bothers me) one-on-one in Episode 3. I can't put my finger on it, but something about every Lindzi says seems really forced. She declared a cheers to "laughing at ourselves and being stronger because of it". I appreciate that gusto, but it felt like she was a life coach not just a girl on a date. And then they did the thing where it's a big surprise and a singer no one has ever heard of performs for only the two of them. This years performer is Matt Nathanson. I'm sure millions of women ranging from 25-60 downloaded him today. I think that's what people in the music industry call selling out, but I say kudos to him. We're all just trying to make an honest dollar. Lindzi keeps saying how magical it all is. Oh magic. Who doesn't love magic? Lindzi gets a rose. She also got the first impression rose. #winning She rode in on a horse to meet Ben on Episode 1, it's too dumb to go into, but technically would be in the different section. You like horses, Lindzi, we get it. 

Okay, now it's time to get into the "same but diff" category. Pretty much the same, oh but wait, it's a little different.

First up in the "same but diff" category we have Jenna, the blogger from NYC. Really, is she a blogger? I read a lot of blogs, but I'm not sure anyone that writes them can be deemed as an official blogger, except The Pioneer Woman. Jenna do you have a book deal from your blog? No? Okay, then you're probably not a blogger. If I'm wrong, well good for her. I haven't heard of her famous blog, but who am I? Just a pregnant admin in Dallas. 

So, basically, Jenna is the same because like many before her she can't handle the emotions and nerves that come with reality TV dating and comes across super crazy, but different because she was so unstable that I was sincerely worried about her mental health. She was a total hot mess. I wanted to get this girl a therapist, a valium and xanax but the end of the first episode, maybe a couple shots of vodka would have helped too. I've seen some hot messes in real life and on this show, hell, I've been a hot mess myself, but she took it to another level and topped them all.

Seriously, I wish I could have been able to go into the bathroom and tell her to pull herself together. This is the BACHELOR this is not real life. Ben sent her home after Episode 2, thank the Lawd. One more episode and she would have been on suicide watch. I did read a little interview that people.com had with her and she said now, she is able to laugh about the whole thing and said she would have sent herself home too. Sounds like she's doing good, but I know there were some dark days when she arrived back in NYC to blog. Glad she pulled through. After the rain comes the rainbow is what I always say. 

Next in "same but diff" category we have a group date that involves bikinis in Episode 3. Same because they do this every season, but different because they are snow skiing? In the middle of San Fran? I don't get it. Did ABC just set this up? Has this happened before in San Francisco? How many times did they get to go down that hill? Did they have to climb back up in their bikinis? Why are they even wearing bikinis? So many questions. So little answers. I enjoyed the clips of the citizens reactions to how weird this is. What was the director saying? "Cut to the Asian man looking at the girls skiing!" 

It all felt like some sort of bewildering Roxy campaign....surfing and skiing combined? Bikinis and beanies? 

Now we can finish with the flat out different things that happened this season. Finally. Shouldn't this show be different every season? What am I talking about? I love the sameeeee drama.  

Let's talk Brittany. Brittany has been a real wild card since stepping on the scene. The girl brought her Grandmother to meet Ben. 

This caused everyone to question...is this really happening?? Yes. It was really happening. I love grandmas and I actually thought it was fun. I thought this would definitely get Ben's interest and it did. Plus, he tagged Brittany as "being into family"....bonus points. All was going well and fine until Episode 3, Brittany gets a one-on-one and isn't sure if she wants to go. Hmmm. Okay? 

As bewildering as the San Francisco skiing in bikinis was, even more bewildering was this. Brittany signed up for this show because it was Ben. She involved her grandma in this process. She had probably talked to Ben a total of two times and she was ready to throw in the towel and not even give it a chance? Did Ben repel her? Is she a lesbian? You can't even go on ONE date with him? She was crying and very upset about leaving, but I still didn't understand her reasons clearly. She didn't even bring up if she was worried about what her grandma would say? I would have been concerned about that. I think my grandma would have been like "WTF?".  I would definitely call this different. But, as one of the girls pointed out as she was leaving, "I really respect for for that." I guess I have to too. God's speed, Brittany. A girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. 

Oh oopps I almost forgot, I can't go into different and forget about the lesbian trist that happened during Episode 1. What on earth? Monica and Blakely were laying on that couch bed thing petting each other for what seemed like a long time. What if secret lesbians went on this show to meet other girls?? HA.

So odd. 

Lesbian antics were no where to be found in Episode 2 or 3...I guess the connection fizzled? I wonder if this will be covered in the "Women Tell All" episode. I need some closure. 

Last but not least for different, drumroll please.......Shawntel comes BACK!! What is going on here?? Whatisgoingon? We see this chick driving and talking on the phone to Chris Harrison. Pretty soon we realize it is Shawntel and she wants a rose. WHAT?! Apparently, she had met Ben and thought there was something between the two of them and she's wants a chance to be in this. She wants a rose. Whoa. Whoa. Never has a former contestant come back. You get one chance at this and then it's time to move on. During Brad's season, I thought Shawntel was normal. Sure she ran a morgue, but she seemed pretty cool. The Shawntel that I thought I knew would never make this desperate, last-ditch attempt to date Ben. I mean, let it go, sister. Granted, Brad is a like a manikin so maybe she felt jipped and wanted a real boy (Pinocchio reference). But she didn't let it go and here she comes and I don't say this lightly, it made the other girls LIVID and it made Ben so confused that he had to cancel the cocktail party and just go straight to the rose ceremony. This was definitely a different rose ceremony if I've ever seen one. 

The law student went out of her way to go into the confessional and say that Shawntel had bigger thighs than her. Ha. Girls are psycho. I guess Ben didn't care for either of their thighs because both the law student and Shawntel didn't get a rose. Actually Ben didn't give out the final rose. Ouch. The law student fainted...eat something! And the girl who I was calling "The Tranny" started crying during the handing out of the roses and didn't get one either. (Really..."The Tranny"??? I told you. This brings out the worst in me.) Courtney went into a speech about how she would accept the rose but she wasn't happy. Great idea. Guys love when you nag them about things they can't control. Shawntel cried and was pretty upset about how dumb she felt. Omg, Shawntel, just go to the Bachelor/Bachelorette Alumni reunion things...I'm sure you'll meet Mr. Right soon. 

Thus concludes my analysis. Can't wait for next week. Signing off....


Robert said...

1. This show brings out the worst in everyone, not just you. Our culture is truly degraded by its existence.

2. I forgot that it was Emily who rapped in the premier. That episode had more stunts than the circus, and she still managed to stand out as especially desperate and strange. She is not my favorite.

3. Ben made a bad call sending Shawntel home. We have almost a whole season with which to judge her, and she is pretty decent.

4. I like how Ben has commented a couple times that certain things are proving to him that this process works. Haha, what? This is like the 20th season of this ridiculous process, and there are maybe 2 remaining couples. And has he forgotten that no more than a year ago, the process so completely swindled him that he proposed to a marginally attractive girl who didn't even love him on national television? Wake up, dude.

Apollina said...

Haha!! That's a great recap! I haven't seen this season so I totally appreciate the rundown. OMG, TB definitely brings out the worst in everyone, clearly the contestants as well. Who are these people?! xoxo!

a. scarff said...

Baby, a. Our culture is also degraded by professional wrestling. Apparently, the human race is never going to get over throwing people into a ring and watching them hurt each other. The Bachelor just finds a different way to do that.
2. I like your Shawntel support. Lawd knows she needs it.
d. a part of me thinks Ben is only doing this show to promote his winery. it's working. if i go to Sonoma one day, i will want to visit Ben's winery. #sucker. also, calling Ashley "marginally attractive"?? haha. ouch. don't you think Bentley put her through enough?

Apollina, Glad you got a rundown :)! If you catch it you'll be up to speed on all the craziness!

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