Monday, August 8, 2011

Bachelorette Season Seven: Finale Block - Conquered

Hi. So, I've been a bad blogger. I've not been blogging, plus I've failed to write a recap for the Bachelorette. You can't just start up and weekly thing on your blog and then stop it cold turkey on the week of the FINALE. I'm sure that breaks some sort of bloggers/blogging code.

The truth is that I'm having trouble wanting to recap the finale. Blah blah, JP, blah blah Ben, blah blah. I would call it writer's block, but I can't call these recaps that I do real writing, so I'll call it finale block. I've been having a raging case of Finale Block (yeah I'll just go ahead and capitalize it).

But, let it be stated here, that I'm not a quitter. I wanted to quit swimming in the 5th grade, but my mom and dad said that I couldn't. They said that, "I started it and I was going to finish it. I couldn't be a quitter." Lesson learned, it is not acceptable to quit just because you don't "want" to do something. I may have been disqualified for doing the breast stroke incorrectly at my next swim meet. #embarrassing. But, you know what, I slapped on that one piece speedo and swim cap and I didn't quit and somehow that mattered. So, you know what I'm going to do now, I'm going to slap on my speedo and I'm going to blog about Ashley, her sister (Girl with the Dragon Tattoo or something?), JP and Ben.

speedo on. 
can those get any more un-sexy?? i don't think so. 

On your mark, get set, diveeeeeee in! 

If I remember correctly, towards the beginning of the Finale, we see Ashley writing in her journal. Clearly written it said (I paused it, so I know) "I can't believe this day is finally here" I got the chills, but not in a good way. In a "this is so dumb" kind of way. I know we've seen that journal in at least one other episode, but it looks like she is just opened it, like this journal is an act, to try to prove to herself and us how important this whole thing is to her. It's so important that she's journaling! I journaled about my cat in 4th grade, it doesn't mean it's important. She also says how she feels like this process started years ago. So do we, honey. So. do. we.

Ashley's family is here to weigh in on the guys. Ashley assures us over and over that she is super close with her family and their opinion means everything to her. We've got mom, step-dad, little bro and last but not least duh, duh, duh SISTER. Not just any sister, it's Chrystie. Chrystie with a full tattoo sleeves and chest and back too. We know right away, this girl does not eff around. You don't ever expect a girl with that many tattoos to be "sweet". Yeah, it's just not in the cards. You know, this girl is going to bring something delusional to the table and she does not disappoint. Though I have to confess, I kind of liked her style?? Back to that later.

First up to "Meet the Parents" (haha) is JP. JP has been the clear front runner for a while. He's just got to seal the deal with the family and he is golden. Everything seems to be going along swimmingly, until the questions start flinging across the dinner table. Ashley is asked if JP makes her laugh. She's stumped. "Do you make me laugh?? I think I make myself laugh!!" Well, the sh#$ has now hit the fan, because Chrystie is not going to allow her sister to get in a relationship let alone marriage with a man that doesn't make her laugh. I guess, that's the issue?? This means that it's time for a private girls chat. Ashley, Chrystie and mom.

Chrystie just goes right in for the kill. I mean, no bedside manner here. She declares that JP is straight up NOT the one for Ashley. She just preaches it and she won't back down. At first, Ashley is like a deer in the headlights and wait...oh come the tears....

i'm so glad i've never been on tv crying.  i'm one of those ugly criers. 

Ashley is processing that her sister is not feeling JP....she feels alone....she's more confused. Chrystie just proceeds ruining everyone's life and isn't to sympathetic towards her bawling sister. 

Ashely goes down by to the beach with little bro (yeah, like he knows what to say). Then she talks to her step-dad who tells her to go with her heart. Eureka!!!!

Somewhere during this time, Chrystie has hunted down and captured JP. I want to close my eyes and look away. It's the same way I felt when the guys were Muay Thai boxing each other. Chrystie is about to verbally and emotionally box JP's face off and I'm not sure that I wanted to see it. Butttt, I really do. She proceeds to tell JP how wrong Ashley is for him. How he is too old and how Ashley is too much. That's just how Chrystie feels and nothing can change her mind. JP even drops the "L" word claiming he is in love with Ashley. Chrystie remains the Stone Cold Ice Princess and don't care. Honey badger don't give a shi#$, JP. 

JP tells the camera that this is "effed up". That Chrystie doesn't even know him. Oh and his heart is crushed because Chrystie claims that Ashley was more herself around Brad Womack than she is around JP. Did she really, Chrystie?? I mean, does Chrystie even KNOW her sister?? Who is the REAL Ashley?? Exhausting. 

JP and Ashley share an awkward, strained good-bye. Can Ashley and JP's love survive the worst family date that ever was??

Next up, we get the scene we've been waiting for....Ashley telling her sister that "she's being such a bitch!!" And her sister saying that Ashley just wants her sister to tell her what she wants to hear.

This is when I'll pause and say that I respect that Chyrstie didn't just tell her sister what she wanted to hear. I used to be a people pleaser...I would just tell people what they wanted to hear, even if it's not how I felt. I grew out of it, but tend to default back to it and sometimes I wish that I could be stronger and tougher like Chrystie. Well maybe not strong enough to get my whole body tattooed, but you know what I mean.  

Ashley and her sister really resolve nothing and it's time for Ben to come on over. Ashley warns Ben about her sister. Too bad, JP didn't get that heads up. Ben seems at ease with the family, everything is going great. Somehow, we get to the subject of their dog voices and they then DO their dog voices. I have a dog voice. Everyone has a dog voice. That doesn't mean it's not annoying. Dog voices are SO annoying. But, they both do their dog voices to a pretend dog. I get chills again, but it a bad way, as if my body is rejecting me watching this show. Regardless, I watch on.

Chrystie and Ben sit down to chat. She is definitely "feeling" Ben more than JP. I'm wondering if she just wants free wine?? Ben tells Chyrstie that he loves Ashley. I let out a sigh. Time for Ben to go home. This definitely was a smoother ride than JP's visit. It seems like Ashley wanted to get away from her family as soon as she could. Okay, Ben's gone?? See you later everyone!! Your opinion means a lot...I mean nothing!! But, I got you a free trip to Fiji, so whatever!!

Ben's last date is next. Ben is confident he is going all the way. The man is in love and shouting it from the rooftops. Their date went great too. The mud, the making out....Ben is planning to put a ring on it. He's also positive she's feeling it too.

Eekkk. Bless your heart, Ben. 

Now it's JP's last date. They immediately sit down to talk this whole "sister hating JP" bit out. Ashley says that any good relationship has to be questioned." Hmmm, never heard that one, but okay. JP gets it out that he is madly in love with her. They smooch. Then they go smooch on the beach and JP pulls off her wrap....whooo!! It's getting hot in here!!!

That night JP gives her an album of pictures of them together and a sweet letter. Does Fiji have a Walgreens?? Where did he get this album on the fly?? I'm just thinking if he gets dumped he's going to feel so dumb about that album. 

ABC still had me guessing, I wasn't sure who it was going to be....

The guys meet Neil Lane to pick out a ring. Ben couldn't be more sure about this. JP is like a frightened puppy. 

FINALLY. We are here the rose ceremony. I guess Ashley's dress choice is okay. I've seen her in more flattering numbers, but I guess she was attempting to look bridal, so it worked. She looks nervous. JP looks nervous. Ben is calm as a cucumber.

Here comes the little plane....who's it going to be??? Whoever is first usually goes home!!! And it's Ben. And this is when this show is just heartbreaking. What's worse than breaking up with someone?? Okay, a lot of things, but it's still pretty terrible. 

She makes it A MILLION TIMES worse though. Ben cuts her off when she starts talking and she doesn't stop him. She doesn't stop him until he is literally down on a knee asking her to make him the happiest man on earth. Awful. Excruciating. Painful. 

i can't watch
AHHH. i seriously cannot watch. 

Ben does not make her feel better about this either. She tries to tell him what a great and interesting guy he is. Like that helps. Salt in the wound, Ashley. Ben says, he hopes she and JP have a nice life together. OUCH. Ben walks away. It really was heartbreaking. He did not see that one coming. I think he'll be better off offense to Ashley.

NEWAYZ, Ashley switches her emotions to devastated about Ben to elated about JP. How does she do that? 

JP steps out of the tiny plane. Greeted by Chris Harrison. How bad do you think Chris Harrison wants to tell him, "You won, man!!!" He walks to Ashley. We know the rest.....He loves her. She loves him. He's taking a leap of faith. I love you, baby. etc. etc.



I guess, when your love life reflects an REO Speedwagon song on The Bachelorette, it means you've made it. 

Thanks for taking us on your "journey" Ashley, Chris Harrison, JP, Ben, Ames, Texas Guy, Blake the dentist, Mickey, William, Personal Trainer, Guy with the Mask and all of you suitors. You made my Monday nights a wild ride of drama and self loathing...a combo you can't find just anywhere! 

And don't forget, Bachelor Pad tonight!! Robert has already declared that he's out on this one....we'll see if that lasts :)


Robert said...

I really cannot take any more of this.

Robert said...

Forgot to mention that Speedo one-pieces are incredibly hot. Real talk.

alexis scarff said...

hmm, are they? why didn't i wear those on our honeymoon then?