Hi there, Well, if you don't already know, I'm going to share with you some news in my life. I am 10 weeks pregnant. During my phase of not telling anyone except Robert and my parents I wrote a couple "Secret Pregnancy Jornals" when I wasn't throwing up or sleeping. Thought I would share....xo
9/21/11 - Secret Pregnancy Journal - Entry 1
So, something weird and wonderful has happened to me. I am 7 weeks pregnant. No, we weren't trying. No this was not planned. But, YES, we are accepting this blessing with open arms.
Here's how I found out about this.
A month ago, my mom came to town for the weekend. Sarah and I planned a mini mom's weekend, her mom, her grandmother and sister-in-law come to Dallas too. We had several fun things planned to do with them. The weekend was a lot of fun. We ate, drank, shopped and just had good quality time. My mom also bought me some new bedding as an early Christmas gift for Robert and I that I was really excited about. Yay, Wisteria Outlet.
As all good things do, the weekend went by way too fast came to an end. Robert and I dropped my mom off at the airport. All was well. Until a couple hours later. I began to have an emotional meltdown. I didn't know what on earth was contributing to this? The bedding we picked out turned to be a little different than I expected when we brought it home, but I still liked it. I was debating if I should keep it or if I made a rash decision by getting the bedding. Was I upset over bedding? I could still take it back? This wasn't life and death. Did I think my Mom spent too much money on us?? Was I missing my mom?? Was I homesick?? I didn't know. All I did know was that I could not stop crying.
That Sunday afternoon droned on and as you can guess it was A LOT of fun for Robert. Bless his heart. He tried to do everything to make me feel better. Nothing helped. I was in bed for most of the day. I couldn't even muster up the strength to go to a dinner and Cowboys game watching date we had planned with two other couples that night. I was a mess. Unfortunately, I've had these kind of days before. The kind of days where nothing is wrong, but I am irrationally upset. It's called depression. I knew that I couldn't control it and I'd have to let these feelings run their course.
I went through the rest of the week sort of like a zombie. Not really being present at work, but just sitting there. Coming home from work and crying for no reason and wanting to go to bed. It was a rough week. I hate to tell anyone about these weeks and days because I hate to burden them with these heavy feelings. I hate that they will say everything right to make me feel better, but nothing will work. I used hold everything I could inside until I would implode. I don't do this anymore because, it's so detrimental to myself and all of my relationships and now I have Robert. I can't really hide from him how I've feeling. We life in 900 square feet. There is physically no where to hide. So that's a good thing. Talking to him about things helps me.
In the midst of all these freaking emotions, my mom and dad lost one of their dogs. It ended up dying and it was my mom's very favorite dogs (she has severalish.okay 6.) but, it really broke my mom's heart. This, in turn, broke my heart for her. So yeah, if you've lost a pet, we all know how emotional that is.
Somewhere in there, I decided I need to bite the bullet and find a new psychiatrist or psychologist. I've had one for the last 3 years and he's just not cutting the mustard. I cannot handle another appointment where he asks me if the medicine I take gives me sexual side effects. I mean OMG for the last time NO and p.s. doc, if it did, I would not be discussing it with you. He basically just wanted to discuss sexual side effects and the weather and obviously I'm having nervous breakdowns over bedding and my mom leaving town and I'm going to need a little more.
I go to my new doctor. The first appointment is two hours. I'm feeling okay on this particular day, so I'm thinking great, she is probably going to wonder why I am even here. Of course, when I get there I start crying about my mom's dog, so she can quickly tell, I'm not a very stable human being. I mean it was probably that or my history with depression or the fact that I'm on meds and have been for years probably told her that I needed to be there. We talked about everything you talk about in your first appointment. I've had several of these. Childhood, family, relationships. We talk about Robert and I. Somehow, we get to the subject of us wanting kids. We definitely do want kids. She asks how soon. I say we are not sure, we have no timeline yet, but not now. She tells me with all that is going on with me emotionally and the status of Robert's career/film, she thinks that we are definitely not in a place to have children. I agree wholeheartedly. We're going to wait, I assure her. We don't think this is the time.
ppppppfffffffffttttttttt. God had to be laughing at me. "hahahaha. you're PREGNANT!"
I get home and talk to Robert about all that I talked about with my new doc. It's a lot. It's exhausting. We talk about having a baby. I tell him that I am NOT ready. I mean, look at me, I've been crying for like 2 weeks. How can I bring a child into the world?? Plus, we are living on my salary. UNO salary until Robert's film is complete. That's not stressful at all. NOT at all. Imagine having us AND a baby on this one salary??!! No WAY!! Noooooooo way!!!
The week goes on. On Friday, we took one of Robert's best friend's and his wife dinner. They have a 2 and half year old and a ONE WEEK old at this time. We were taking them dinner to help them out while they are adjusting to their new bundle of joy. We go in and visit and I'm dying to hold the little guy. Of course, they ask Robert and I when we are going to have kids. Not for a while we say so certainly. Nope, this is not our life, we are not ready for this.
We go to Fuzzy's Tacos. We see our good friend Todd picking up food. His wife Madeleine was 8 months pregnant at the time. Mad and Todd are going to be parents, I exclaim to Robert...isn't that just crazy??! We have large margaritas and lots of food and go home and watch the Baylor/TCU game.
The next day, I wake up and realize, oppsy, I'm about a week and half late. Late as in "that time of the month". I didn't really think much of it. It's happened before. Especially when I'm stressed out about something. No big deal. I mean, I've been on birth control, there's no way something happened. Welllll, I did start it a little late after we got back from Chicago, but that's not a big deal?? I've done that before. Right? Right.
But, I keep wondering. I look down at my stomach and it's sticking out more than normal. I mean, no I haven't been doing my normal yoga schedule, but what is UP with this belly?? Should I take a pregnancy test?? I have one. We bought some right after our honeymoon because I skipped a period then and wouldn't that have been hilarious. Right after the honeymoon?? Yikes. Obviously, that was a false alarm. But, this time, I'm a little worried. I just have this feeling I need to take this pregnancy test. Especially because we are supposed to watch the first Texas game tonight and I don't want to be downing cocktails with a bun in the oven. I pee on the stick. It's one of those where 2 lines is pregnant and 1 line is not pregnant. This kind is the worst kind. Do not get this kind. One line shows up really bold and then this other line is faintly there. Well, what dose that mean??? That is NOT 2 lines?? That is like 1 and a half lines. Ugggg.
That afternoon I go pick up Sarah's dog at doggie daycare because she is oot. Then our plan is to head on out to Garland to watch the Texas game. WHY Garland, you may ask??? Well that would be because of the invention of The Longhorn Network. That's right Garland is the only place where they get this glorious network. We have planned to meet some of Robert's friends at the Buffalo Wild Wings in Garland to watch Texas play Rice. I know...I know...I don't know how this is my life either.
At this point, I think Robert was really in denial that I could be pregnant. He says he wasn't, but I'm pretty sure he was. He probably still is. HA. But, anyway, we stop by Walgreens on the way out to Garland. I ask him, "honey can we please go home first so I don't have to take this pregnancy test at Buffalo Wild Wings. In. Garland." He tells me, no we really can't go home because his friend has been up there saving a table and we really need to get up there. Great. Wonderful. Taking a pregnancy test at Buffalo Wild Wings. I mean??? And what if it's positive??? Finding out I'm pregnant at Buffalo Wild Wings??? No. Nononononononono.
But, yes. Oh yes.
So, we get there. Say hi to everyone, exchange pleasantries. Then I excuse myself to go to the restroom. I need to take this test. Mama needs to know if she can booze or not. I pee on the stick. I sit there and wait. It's one of those digital ones that says pregnant or not pregnant. Perfect. I wait, staring at the little stick and "pregnant" pops up. Well, holy shit, everyone. Pregnant. Pregnant at Buffalo Wild Wings. Robert and I joked on the way there that if the test said pregnant that I should come to the table and give him a thumbs up. I did just that. Walking up to the table, he looks at me and I give him the thumbs up. He cracks up laughing. I'm laughing. Is this happening??? I sit down, we nonchalantly try to hug and kiss. Pregnant at Buffalo Wild Wings. It's incredibly hard to sit there and not tell Robert's friends the joyous news, but we know it's way to early and I haven't been to a doctor yet. We play it cool. I drink water and order the sampler. (let the eating commence) Texas beats Rice.
The next day I'm googling things about finding out that you're pregnant....I come across this
Physical and Emotional Symptoms via pregnancy.familyeducation.com
You may feel out-of-sorts emotionally and be a bit testier than usual with family and friends. (OK, you can be a hellcat on wheels, or cry without warning.) Things that normally wouldn't bother you may bother you enormously. You may feel depressed or have feelings of depression that are unexplained.
Well, wow. Seriously??? So this is the reason I'm having these emotional issues?? I'm not bawling about bedding and my mom's dog due to my unresolved family issues or my imbalance of serotonin??? Well shoot!! This is kind of nice. Thank you, pregnancy.
Next up. Bob and Al go to the gynecologist.