Saturday, October 29, 2011

and the secret ends....

Secret Pregnancy Journal - Entry 5 - The Final Installment

Here I am blogging on a Saturday...Robert's gone up to Buffalo Wild Wings in Garland where alllllllllllll of this business began. Once again, The Longhorn Network is the only channel airing the Texas game. I decided to skip out on this feild trip to Garland because I'm coming off a rough 24 hours. Puking was NOT involved, but nausea and headache and being bed ridden was involved. Misery was involved. Whining was involved. Sleep was involved. Extra strength tylenol was involved. The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion: Part 2 was involved. Robert making me Easy Mac was involved. Frustration was involved.

I'm over not feeling good ladies and gentlemen, over it. I'm over not being able to do normal things. For example, staying awake past 7 p.m. to watch the world series, going to my best friend from childhood's birthday dinner, eating 3 meals a day instead of 10. This is the reality of my day to day life and it's just getting dumb.

Saying that, I do know it's worth it. It sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself and I definitely have moments were I do, but I know I'm fine. I'm just pregnant and there have been many a pregnant woman that have been FAR worse off than me. Yesterday was bad, but I'm making it through most days with just tiredness and nausea. That's a breeze! Walk in the park! ha. pppppppppffffffffttttttttt. Obvi, I'm not exactly enjoying being pregnant quite yet, I do enjoy having a little life inside of me that Robert and I made. (eekkk, little graphic. sorry?) I can't wrap my head around motherhood, but I have always wanted that and it makes me pretty excited. Terrified, scared, but excited.

(OMG and i'm watching the Rachel Zoe Project The Birth Episode and I'm bawling and I die.)

Mmmmkay. Where did I leave off on this journal? Week 8 of pregnancy, I believe. It's pretty uneventful now because this just was the countdown to when we started telling our friends which happened OU/TX weekend. Which is kind of cool because Robert and I met that weekend 3 years ago. Oh look how far we've come.  First comes love, then comes marriage then comes a baby in a baby carriage....

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

Honestly, I had no plan on how to tell my friends. I wasn't even planning for it to come out OU/TX weekend, I was really wanting to stick to this 12 weeks bit. Plus, it seemed oddly daunting and any scenario I came up with in my head just sort of stressed me out. And really, I rationalized, who cares...just another pregnant chick, like the ones on Facebook, uploading sonogram pics. (Except, I just can't do that. No offense.)  Plus, I was feeling like death and didn't really want to "hang" with anyone during this time and start the whole story on page one. Even phone convos were wearing me out and the thought of that big one seemed so not fun. My one concern and necessity of how this news came out was in the telling one of my dear best friends, Jamie, the news. She lost her angel baby, Jonathan, when she was 20 weeks pregnant earlier this year. She and her awesome husband have been strong and totally trusted God, but it hasn't been easy. I knew she was going to be nothing but happy for me, but in my head, I thought she would be preganant again way before me and this change of plans was just weird and unplanned. I decided no matter what happened I would tell her first before any other friend.

And that meant before Sarah. (Hi there, Sarah...I'm blogging about you.) Soooo, I pretty much tell Sarah everything. Unless you specifically tell me "do not tell Sarah", chances are I'm telling Sarah. (Except Bible study confidentiality...Sorry, Sar ;) ) Sooooooooo, needless to say, it was hard not to tell her that I was pregnant for a full month. I sort of avoided her, because she knows me so well, that she would completely know something was up. At the pub crawl, right before when I was waiting for my nachos, she looked at me and said, "are you okay??" I was NOT okay, but I lied and said yes. Even over email she was suspecting things. There was a week there when she emailed asking me "if i wanted a baby" because she said I was sending out "baby emails". These "baby emails" were pics of my gorgeous cousin Ruthie and her new precious baby Joy to a couple friends and my replies about Madeleine's brand new beautiful baby, Hadlie. It was just a "baby week", but Sarah felt some sort of vibe and emailed that to me. I immediately forwarded to Robert...."she knows!!!" I said. I then replied to Sarah, "you know I love babies!" Vague- yes?? But, true and want it or not, it was happening, so I was choosing to want it, but also be vague to Sarah about it. Lying by omission? Maybe. But, I just wasn't ready to tell yet.

So, the thought of telling people OU/TX weekend came about because I had a doctor's appointment the Thursday of OU/TX week AND then it fell into place that Jamie and her awesome husband, whose name is Jack, were going to stay at our place Friday night (on an air mattress - one bedroom here, folks) and that we would get a little bit of time to hang out before we went to a big group dinner with all of our friends. These two things: a. getting word that the baby was okay and b. having a opportunity to tell Jamie in person, gave me the feeling that I should at least tell Jamie the news and then go from there.

Jamie and Jack arrive. Cute as ever. I give them the 4 second tour of our home. Robert and Jack are in the living room watching our large television. Jame and I are in our room, just talking girl stuff. There's a sonogram picture out on my dresser that she somehow misses, but then she notices a toy giraffe on my nightstand that my mom had sent the future baby Scarff. "why do you have toys, Alexis??" (okay, i also have this stuffed pug i sleep with that my mom got me for Valentine's Day 3 years ago). I kind of dodge that question, but then I was dying of heat and I peel off my cardigan, (which was boomer sooner red...duh) and I still have my band aid on from when they had taken my blood the day before. "are you sick?" Jamie asks me seriously. "no no, i'm not sick." I assure her. and then it hits her, "omg, are you pregnant???" I just look at her and say yes and tell her the whole story. We hug, it's happy :). We pop some champagne she had brought Robert and I. I have a sip.

I feel like a boulder was lifted off my shoulders, just by telling this one friend. "does everyone know??" she asks. "no....only you!" I reply. We bounce whether or not we should tell everyone the news at dinner and we decide we should. I know Jamie couldn't keep the secret and I was ready to tell too. The one person who I knew wouldn't fair well with the surprise news at dinner was Sarah....

We are the first people to sit down. Brooke and Ran join. Brooke is 7 months pregnant and seriously looks like a model. I tell them. Kendall and Danielle and Matt come, I tell them. Happy, all is fine. Then, Sarah, Jill, Adrienne, Gibson, Mary and Ande come. Lots of commotion. I'm dying to get it out. I tell them I have some news. I tell Jill and Sarah at the exact same time which was cool. Not so cool to Sarah, she upset with my delivery. I get why, that's not really how our relationship works, I usually tell her things first. I just do, but this time, it's different, I thought she would understand and she did eventually, but initally, she was pretty upset. Jill feels happy for me :). Adrienne is excited. Gibson is sweet and supportive...totally surprised. I let Adrienne know that her Chicago wedding was totally the catalyst for this pregnancy. Mary and Ande both probably thought I was lying at first, but they were excited. My favoirte quote of the night was from Ande aka Rhonda..........."I'm just trying to figure out how you've been lying to me the last month." hahaha. Honestly, I was still trying to figure out how I didn't tell anyone either. Karns and Matt get there. I tell them. They are sweet and happy. Everyone is. It's a good feeling to have the moral support of friends.

Sarah and I talk after dinner, I'm upset that she's upset, but I really can't re-do what's been done. Also, I don't have the energy to beat myself up about it, I apologize, she apologizes. I know she's worried about a million things concerning me and my pregnancy and future. That's what she does, she worries for me, but this time, she can't because this is so out of both of our hands. I'm going to be okay, everything is going to work out. I have faith in God that it all will. Robert's movie, my job, future living situations. Yes, we have a lot going on and a lot to figure out. But, I have faith in God's plan. This is his plan and I'm accepting it everyday and praying for help on every step of the journey and that's just about all I can do. I know Sarah will be there with me too and for that I know I'm very lucky gal.

The next day I tell Ashley...who is also pregnant. So cool we are doing this together. I love her so dearly. I tell Lauren, best friend since birth. I've been dyinggggggg to tell her. I really want her to get prego now :). I felt like I was kind of getting used to telling people now. Still sort of weird, but a little fun. I call other's throughout the week, email a couple more. Texted Jenny and Lindsey even though they found out about it Friday night post dinner. (Sorryyyy)

Speaking of dinner.......forgot to mention we had dinner was at Javier's. Which is a pretty special place. Why? Well, it's where Robert and I's first date was....oh andddddddddd it's where Robert propsed to me :) :) :) and now it's where I told some of my best friends that I was pregnant. Oh the circle of life...........or something like that

So, the news was out. Didn't make it to the 12 week mark, but I did almost make it to the 10 week mark??

Hello world, I'm pregant. Alexis and Robert are pro-creating. Shout it through the streets. ;)

3 comments:

Liz said...

I am so awkward telling people I'm pregnant. Like I'm 14 and pregnant or something haha. I'm legit on all accounts but it's still so awkward to me. I hate it. I wish everyone could just know and not even say anything to me about it. Why am I so weird?!?! So happy we are in this together! And that I can read your awesome stories.

Augusta said...

I'm so distraught the secret pregnant diaries are over!!!! Hahah, love you sister!!!

alexis scarff said...

hahhaha. LIZ, i totally agree. "i wish everyone could just know and not even say anything to me about it" - exactly!! we need a date!!!

Love you, Gus!! maybe there will be some more...we'll see :). they just won't be "secret". ha.