Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Bachelorette Season Seven: Punctuation Metaphor is OVER

I hate when work gets in the way of blogging about the Bachelorette. Both endeavors are equally pointless. My job and my blogging about the Bachelorette. But, I get paid for one, so I have to address it first. Mo' money, mo' problems. That doesn't make sense, but I do like that song....


Hong Kong. Awww, the city of love. Oh wait, no. No Asian cities really qualify for that, though ABC keeps trying to shove the idea down our throats. Are these cities cool? Yes. Are they romantic? No. I can't recall anyone every honeymooning in Hong Kong.

Saying that, I do believe that ANY place can be romantic with the right person. Too bad poor Ashley can't seem to find that person. (and the previews don't seem to foreshadow that happening any time soon??) I wouldn't think that any place could be romantic if it wasn't for Robert. I swear when I'm with him, a Best Buy can become romantic. Honeymoon at Best Buy!! Bachelorette at Best Buy!!

Back to Ashley in Hong Kong....where everything at Best Buy is probably made....

What a journey this has been- just a journey people!!! But, now here we are in Hong Kong, the perfect place to figure. shit. out. Perfect! It's so tranquil, calm and just freaking filled to the brim with romance!!! Communism!!! Bliss!!! ppppffffftttttttt

I can't believe they put Ashley in the city scene and made the people blurry around her. Special effects??! I'm not watching Return of the Jedi, let's hold off of the special effects. We get the metaphor of the bustling city and her bustling emotions.

all the people alllllllllllllll around me. lost in translation. wait. was that Bentley??

Chris Harrison knocks on Ashley's door. Wait, what is Chris doing here?? This isn't the rose ceremony!! Please. We all know exactly what he's here to say because we've been hanging on to this "Bentley in the hotel moment" for the last TWO weeks. Chris is here to tell Ashley, that Bentley is in fact, in this hotel. Ashley clutches her heart in peril!! Don't rip that sheer top!! Bentley is here. He is here in Hong Kong. He is in the hotel. "SHUT UP!!", she exclaims.  No, Chris Harrison will not shut up. He assures her that he is not here to play mind games with her, even though she clearly likes that. He's also not here to try to define their relationship with any sort of punctuation. He is serious. He writes his hotel number down. Oh the drama of a written down hotel number....

I really didn't like this whole set up. She has to go to HIM? I don't think so. Can he not walk himself to her room?? He flew to Hong Kong. I think Mr. Salt Lake City can take 20 more steps. Uggg. Unfortunately, I didn't get to plan this get together, so that's not how it went down. Poor Ashley has to go to his room. I felt like she was about to propose. She was so nervous. AHHH. Here she is getting in the elevator. Here she is walking to the room. She's at the door. Should she knock?? Clutching her heart. AHHH.

After a couple excruciating seconds, she knocks on his door. It's the biggest moment of her life and this guy had the balls to say......


Biggest dickhead move ever. Who do you think it is??? (Also, Robert noticed that the d-bag had a peep hole.) "Who is it????" Seriously??  ppppfffffftttttt. 

"It's me" Ashley responds.

It's me. Oh that just made me wince. "It's me." Just timid, insecure me here in Hong Kong!! 

Bentley opens the door wearing his college look of the long sleeved shirt under the short sleeved shirt. Way to show Ashley that you care. 

Oh well, let's focus- here you all are, face to face. It's time to get down to the business of the DOT DOT DOT - what does it MEAN? And whyyyyyy and whoooo thought it was ever okay to use punctuation to break up or define your relationship with someone??? It's not. It's NOT okay. BTW, Bent, it's called an ellipses not a DOT DOT DOT. Idiot. 

I wish Robert would have proposed to me by telling me that he wanted an EXCLAMATION POINT on our relationship forever. That would have really shown me how he felt. Yeah, just kidding. That's dumb. About as dumb as Bentley.

Sooooo...they greet with a platonic kiss. She tries to be casual and flirty saying something like, "So, were you just in the neighborhood??" He he he he ho ho ho ho. Let's wrap up the jokes. Get to it, sister. This is no time for breezey small talk. None of us can beat around this bush any longer. We can't go through ANOTHER rose ceremony with you having a break down about Bentley and his DOT DOT DOT. I hope at this point she was remembering what Chris Harrison said "8 other GREAT guys gave up EVERYTHING to be with you" Everything. They gave a up kidney. They sold their souls to the devil. jk jk. All they gave up was their dignity, but in return they get a chance to either be with Ashley or on the Bachelor Pad, so it really makes sense. 


She asks how him how Cozy is. Cozy, his daughter. The reason he left. ppppfffffffttttt. He left because Ashley was not Emily Maynard. Ashley isn't his type. Bentley likes blondes. He likes blondes that are petite and helpless. How INDIVIDUAL of you , Bentley. Also, it must be mentioned again, but the name of COZY. If that doesn't tell you all you need to know about the man, than I don't know what does. 

clearly, this convo is going great. 

In normal Bentley evasive fashion, he is vague about everything. Cozy is good. He's been working. He said that is surprised him that he missed her and he missed this. THIS as in the cameras? THIS as playing Ashley?? You miss THIS?? OH OH and you miss HER?? Okay, hilarious...good one, Bent. 

She says something along the lines of "sometimes, you have to be a man and give the relationship a period." You are right Ashley, that's what MEN do. Men give a damn period where there needs to be a period.  

This isn't fair to her she says. No, this is NOT fair. Anyone who cared for you would NOT put you in this situation. In the rules of reality TV show love you can't say "come see me in Salt Lake City" or let's leave it at a "dot dot dot". You are either in this or you are not. That's how it should be in everything...are you in or out?? Let's do this. Too bad too many people prefer to live in "DOT DOT DOT" purgatory. 

So, Ashley gives every facial expression in her repertoire and finally just makes him SAY IT. She needs to hear it. IS THERE A PERIOD?? She NEEDS to hear it. What she really needs is to watch all six seasons of Sex and the City and the movies. She knows nothing about relationships. Of course, those of us that have watched them still know nothing about relationships. pppfffffftttttt

For a second I wondered if Bentley could man up and give this relationship a period?? Or if he was going to play this thing out until he got to meet Emily Maynard. They keep talking. They keep talking and saying nothing. There is some subtle leg touching. Yeah, I caught you, Bentley. No wonder she loves you...the subtle leg touch. He snidely asks her how it's going with the other guys. She tells him how hard she took it when he left and how it's not fair to the other guys that she can't stop thinking about him and the DOT DOT DOT. 

Finally, finally, Bentley gives this whole saga a period. Period end of sentence. He came all the way to Hong Kong to give a period. Couldn't he have faxed that? Tweeted that? Texted that? Nope. ABC put him on a plane because they were so worried that Ashley was going to BOMB this season and ruin their whole franchise if she didn't get her damn PERIOD in a dramatic face to face showdown. 

So much effort for something that can be solved by the small phrase "he's just not that into you." Buy the book, Ashley. Those are painful hard words to hear, but maybe less painful when 8 other guys are in a room that could potentially BE into you. (though as i mentioned the upcoming previews are worrying me for you...eekkk)


It doesn't matter at this point because Ashley has SEEN the light and starts to go through the second phase of grieving/breaking up and that is ANGER. YES. GOOD. Please start hating him with the rest of us!! She drops the f-bomb! Excellent. Let it out!! And good, LAWD, honey, if you think you're mad, now, wait til you watch what he was saying behind your back in episodes 1-4.

I really can't think about that now though. I'm just so relieved she's not going to be pining for him anymore I don't know what to do with myself!! No more Bentley!!!


With that, I'll say, God's speed, Bentely. You need to schedule some sessions with Brad Womack's therapist because you definitely have some suppressed issues from childhood and IF you haven't already messed up your daughter by naming her Cozy oh and the divorce, you are not far from it. ugggg Daddy issues. They can really eff a person up. The world doesn't need a effed up girl named Cozy walking the streets. 

Okay, onward and upward!! Ashley is moving on and so are we!!! 

One on one with Lucas!! I didn't see that coming?? But, I did say he was turning it up a notch last week.

well, hey West Texas!!!! 

Right off, I can really tell that Ashley is feeling better about herself. She has a bit of a glow? It could be a really good bronzer and lip gloss, but I said to Robert that I thought Ashley looked the prettiest she had all season. I think it's because she felt happy and excited. It showed!! depression, anxiety and uncertainty don't make one pretty?? Note to self. 

She and Lucas walk around Hong Kong and eat intestines. Once again, Hong Kong, ladies and gentlemen, City of Love. It's just like real life here. Just your ho hum, run of the mill, every day date with Lucas. Ashley asks if this reminds Lucas of New York. Lucas admits that he's never been to New York. "What?! No way!" Ashley, exclaims. I didn't even flinch with Lucas said that. Of course, he's never been to New York. He's from TEXAS. Duh. Texas has everything. 

Ashley, the east coast chick, now needs a lesson on MOST Texas guys. They love Texas. Neigh. They are obsessed with Texas. They don't want to leave Texas. They most certainly don't want to LIVE anywhere out side of Texas. Texas should be it's own nation!! It's TEXAS!! West Texas guys, which Lucas is, can be even a tougher breed. I remember telling several guys that I went to college with at Texas Tech located in West Texas that I was from New Mexico and I could tell that they were confused. I saw this thought process happening as they swallowed their Miller Lite with furrowed eye brows. "New Mexico?? What??? I thought all blondish girls in a sorority were from Texas?? I could never introduce this chick to my parents. And marry? Marry a girl that wasn't from Texas?? HA. NO WAY. "  Like I said, MOST Texas guys. Not ALL. For example, I married Robert, a Texas guy, born and raised in Houston, is not like that at all. Maybe Lucas isn't either if he's thinking about romancing Ashley from Pennsylvania?? We shall see...

Lucas and Ashley end up on a boat that looked like it was off the set of Hook. Is this what people do here? They have dinner on the pirates ship and Ashley asks him what the hardest thing that he has ever been through . Time to discuss the D word again. Lucas's DIVORCE. Lucas tells her that his ex-wife was the love of his life, but he knows now it wasn't right. Hmmm. So if you fall for Ashley will that make her the 2nd love of your life?? That's not very fun. Ashley is not phased by Lucas's divorce and just happy that he's not saying let's leave it at a DOT DOT DOT that she gives Lucas the rose. YEE-HAW!! 

Next up, we've got the group date and what better to do on a group date than go dragon racing?? I don't know, but it does mean that Ashley gets to sport another half shirt!!

The guys split into teams and have to ask the locals to row with them on the dragon boat race to love. We've got Team Long Hair: Ben F. and Constantine. Team Spiky Hair: Blake and Ryan and Team Random: Ames and Mickey. Team Long Hair has a hard time recruiting despite their obvious charisma until they buy some silk robes and head gear, after that, the whole city wants to row with them. Team Random somehow finds the Olympians of dragon boat racing and Team Spiky Hair gets enough people to row. This shocks Blake who decides that people in Hong Kong must like Ryan's annoying personality. Geeezzzzz, Blake, he's NICE, deal with it. 

definitely win in the flair category

true winners

Team Random...Ames and Mickey win since they found people that to this sort of thing on the regular. Yay, boys!!! Afterwards, while chatting on the shores they see a real live proposal!! Omg, it's an omen!! "Who's next??" Ashley says playfully. Well, if the previews are any indication, not you, sweetheart. eeeekkk.

It's time for group date cocktails. Always a tense time for the guys and right away things are heating UP. Ashley is ready to show how over Bentley she is and she accomplishes that by multiple make-out sessions. Ames stages the elevator make-out....quite steamy!! I think she liked it!!  Ben F. and Ashley make-out on the roof top patio despite his pale yellow sweater. Meanwhile, all the guys talk about how awful Ryan is and if Ashley will ever see him for who he really is.

This is sort of beginning to confuse me. I mean, what is really WRONG with Ryan?? I don't feel like he's that annoying?? I usually completely understand when there is someone hated in the house (i.e. Vienna, Rated R) but I'm stumped on this one. Maybe he's got me fooled too?

Ashley gives Ryan the rose. The other guys don't understand and they don't like this. Ryan is as jolly as Christmas morning. 

One on one time with JP!! It's his SECOND one on one...this is getting serious!! Ashley says this is the most excited she has been for a date. Well, it's about time, sister. They have dinner and are talking seriously about their feelings. Ashley decides she needs to reveal to him she saw Bentley this week. I think she worked it up too much for him. Poor JP thought she was going to tell him that she had cancer or something. I think he was relieved that the news was just that Bentley showed up for 20 minutes and gave her a PERIOD. They smooch  a lot, she feels like this is "meant to be". And scene.

Here we are at the rose ceremony. Ashley is ready to tell the guys about Bentley's pop in this week. Since, JP was so cool about it, no one else will really care, right?? WRONG. She tells them in the completely wrong way and they all realize how hard she fell for Bentley and their egos start going into shock. Not only are they competing against each other, but she was still thinking about Bentley this whole time!!?? Yeah, they are just straight up mad. Ashley excuses herself to cry. There has been more crying on this season than I thought possible. 

Ryan swoops in and tells her that he doesn't care about Bentley coming to Hong Kong. I think Ryan would agree to a double marriage with Ashley and Bentley if it would make her happy and to be nice. Ames is awesome and says that fairy tales aren't always as simple as we want them to be. No, no they aren't Ames!! Did you learn that at Harvard?? Blake has had it up to here and doesn't even know why he is there anymore. Does she even care?? She cries again and Blake softens a little, but is still a jerk with a flared up temper. Lucas declares that he hates wasting time. Mickey says he feels that he's been lied to and doesn't see why she didn't send him home. She flips the tables and says that he is welcome to leave at anytime. And Mickey picks up and leaves. HA. Okay?? I guess he's just not that into her either. He's like the Honey Badger. Honey Badger don't care, Honey Badger don't give a shi**!! See ya later Mickey floating away on the boat. At least you left like a man and didn't give her a DOT DOT DOT or a comma or a colon or an ampersand. Ashley tearfully apologizes to the guys about the whole Bentley fiasco and hopes they can forgive her. The guys calm down a little and realize that she does care that they are here. 

the honey badger 

After that emotional roller coaster all caused by Bentley the rose ceremony commences. Ashley decides she doesn't want to deal with Blake's hatred and sends him home. Little does she know that he feels bad for being so mean. If I was a gambler, I would bet that Blake returns?? Dentists are persistent like that....

Still yet to watch last Monday's episode....on to Taiwan!! What will await us there??? 

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