Thursday, December 9, 2010

Sorry, if any of you out there are following my homage to Home Alone with my December Home Alone Moments. I haven't got around to them the last three days.

There's not really a reason for this. I've had plenty of time to post and sift through the best things about Home Alone, but I haven't been in the right state of mind to make frivolous Home Alone posts.

I have been in the state of mind to check into a mental ward.

I told Rhonda yesterday via email that I couldn't blog because "it would be so depressing that someone might start cutting themselves while reading". While I still feel this way the knowledge that writing is therapy is outweighing your personal safety. You might want to make sure there are no sharp objects around you before you continue reading.

If I could compare myself to geography this week, I'd say that I have felt the a dry barren wasteland or an Arctic tundra. I've felt drained, vacant, sad, frozen. These feelings are familiar to me since I, along with millions of others of Americans, struggle with clinical depression. I know this territory, I've been here many times. Still, when these phases pop up, I'm never prepared. Surprising, considering everything that I've learned to combat this. I know how much I have to be thankful for. I know there isn't a reason to be sad. I know God made me (Psalm 139:13-14  13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.) That verse has saved me from myself. Saved me to knowing that "I AM wonderful because God's works are wonderful and I'm one of His works". That's the only self esteem I've got most of the time, ladies and gents and it satisfies, fulfills and keeps me sane on most days. But self esteem isn't the issue, like it's been in the past, my issue is just trying to climb through the swamp of what has been tough week for no reason. I love my life. I love my husband again I know I have infinite reasons to be thankful. 

Still, I can't stop it. The mind is a very powerful thing. My mind traps me sometimes and makes it impossible for me to see anything, but the sadness. What's worse is that when I have to deal with something simple throughout the day it causes me to feel completely hopeless, when I know on a normal day it wouldn't have been an issue at all. This week when my boss asked me to make a copy of a lease and I felt like my world was dramatically shattering to the ground because I am so sick of copying leases. Then I wonder, "is it the complacency at my job that makes me unhappy?" My boredom here seems to be breeding sea of feelings in me, that my husband articulately describes as "an unhealthy mix of irritation, anger, disinterest, resignation and incredulity". He was describing himself at a previous job, while sympathizing my situation, but seems to hit the nail on the head on what I'm experiencing. These feelings are so disheartening to me because I used to be the girl that "smiled too much at work", that "cared too much". I could not have morphed into someone completely opposite of that? Oh, but I have.

Again, sorry if this is making you want to cut yourself. I mean, why don't I just post my freaking Home Alone Moments of the day and pretend that all is "merry and bright"?? I'm so weird sometimes, but I just want to be honest. And, speaking of "merry and bright". It is even more depressing to feel the slightest bit depressed in this season. Because you are supposed to be really happy. It's Christmas Time!! Deck the halls!!! Joy to the World!!!

Anyway - back to my job situation. I am taking steps to make a change what I'm doing. The serenity prayer helped me with this. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I need to have courage to change this and with help from Robert, prayer and advice from friends and my family, I think I'm getting there. Still though, a cloud has loomed over me this week, but, thankfully, as clouds do, I think it's lifting. And I think I'm going to pull myself together and make it one more day...

Even though, I know I'm an imperfect broken human being that needs daily healing that only Christ can provide......

Even though I feel bad for putting my husband through an un-fun week with me....

Even though I don't have a Christmas tree.....

Even though I've ruined my Christmas cards, as mentioned in a previous post, and I'm not going to be a cute wife and sent out a cute first Christmas card of us....

there it is in all it's pixelated glory- the card you will NOT be receiving this holiday season. i said i'd show it to you, so i'm just following through on that. still feeling like an idiot about this debaucle.

Even though, I haven't been mentally capable to do my Home Alone Moment of the Day for the last 48 hours....

Even though I should be bouncing off the walls this week because my ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY TO BABY is in three days........

Even though I have three really fun Christmas parties next week and I should be nothing but excited about and not scared if whether or not I'll be able to function like a normal person at them.......

I'm going to move forward and pull myself together despite all of this stuff and know that I'll be okay.  


Let's all hope and pray that normal ppppffffftttttt blogging will commence tomorrow. 

2 comments:

hiplip said...

Please email, call, facebook me if you need to chat. I love brainstorming future career ideas/changes. Seriously.

alexis scarff said...

well, i just may take you up on that :)!