I’m going to start by breaking down last nights episode by numbers:
3 bikinis donned by Ali
2 hot tub scenes
3 separate occasions of tears – all by men
1 music video shot (really Barenaked Ladies?)
1 denim shirt
1 sneaky devil (Justin, that’s you)
1 awful dress
3 guys hit the dusty trail
2 sightings of the pink converse (Ali, I could not be MORE over those.)
And a partridge in a pear tree
Part One: Justin’s Folly
We know what’s on everyone’s mind, so let’s not beat around the bush and waste another second. Last night’s episode had several highlights, but mostly it revolved around one controversial figure. Justin “Rated R”, the Entertainment Wrestler from Canada. He has a broken foot and it is sort of pathetic to watch him hobbling around on group dates and propping up his cast up, sitting by the pool while the other guys get to splash around with Ali. I did have sincere moments of feeling bad for him. It would be hard to be physically incapacitated on this show, especially for a meathead like Justin.
You can completely tell he would be so unbearable if he didn’t have this cast on. He’d be the guy picking Ali up in the pool and throwing her around, showing off his muscles. Vom. He’d also be the guy that would be running to be the first to get to Ali when she is standing there waiting for them to pull up for their group dates. I think in a way Justin’s broken foot is God’s gift to us to make this show a tiny bit more bearable. I mean, God promises to not put us through anything we can’t handle and I think he pulled through with this one. I don’t think I could handle a not-injured Justin.
Onto Justin’s Folly –
(you know like Seward’s Folly – a history refernce, isn’t this fun??!!! William Seward was the Secretary of State that was under Abraham Lincoln and Andrew Johnson and was responsible for the purchase of Alaska. The public opinion was that it was a HUGE mistake, until……..they found the oil!)
Justin’s Folly is that he decided to do “whatever he had to do” to spend time with Ali by walking on crutches up the highway to her house. I didn’t know if I was watching Fear Factor or The Bachelorette at this point. They put on the dramatic music and it shows him making his way up the treacherous highway, cars passing, and sweat on his brow. I think he actually declared, “ if I have to risk my life to spend time with Ali, I will. “ Will you, Justin? Or are you just trying to be a meathead and win the competition? I feel that his trek up Mount Everest had little to do with Ali and much more to do with getting an edge on the competition by being the only guy ballsy enough to walk or hobble rather with crutches to her home.
Sidenote because I can’t take it anymore and now I’m saying it too: THIS IS NOT ALI’S HOUSE. This is ABC’s house that Ali is residing in. Also, THESE ARE NOT DATES THAT ALI PLANS. Some intern or assistant at ABC plans these dates. Ali probably okays it and that’s all the ownership she gets of that. If I hear her say one more time, “I’ve got the best date planned….” I might freak out. Do you, Ali? Do YOU have the best date planned? Let’s be real.
Okay, back to Justin’s Folly. Here’s where he really effs up. His grand gesture cuts into time that Ali was supposed to spend with Hunter for a one-on-one date. She’s late picking up poor innocent puppy dog eyes Hunter. If this guy stood a chance before, he doesn’t now. As if Ali doesn’t have enough distractions to deal with (thinking about what she can wear with her pink converse mostly) but, now she has to deal with an unexpected pop-in by aggressive/testosterone Justin right before her date with mild/passive Hunter.
To top it off Justin doesn’t tell any of the guys that he went to see Ali, I guess that’s okay, they are not his legal guardians or something, but then he LIES to his whereabouts that afternoon. That’s like being an OU Alumni and then going to OU/TX wearing a Texas shirt (Ward Eastman). Do you want people to hate you? You are literally asking for people to hate you because you are just openly being a prick. (I don’t hate Ward, but do find that completely unacceptable behavior.) Craig R. flat out asks Justin where he’s been all day and Justin easily replies, that he was “sleeping”. Then later in another conversation he tells Kurt that he bets it would take hours to walk to Ali’s (excuse me ABC’s) house. Justin, you’re an idiot! Dude, this is on camera, remember? Why are you lying?? Like Seward’s folly, the public opinion now is that you’ve made a BIG mistake.
William Henry Seward
Or did he?
At the rose ceremony the guys don’t know about Justin’s secret mission to Ali’s at first, they learn of it later. But, they are still plotting against him like the KKK wanting to burn down someone’s house. They are all in a circle and Ty is saying that, “Justin is one person with Ali and one person in the house with us. People just need to be the SAME person everywhere.” Deep, Ty, very deep. Justin approaches this circle and asks, “Who are you talking about?”
Awkward silence. Shuffeling. Then, the Godfather speaks.
Roberto: “I think you know.”
Justin objects, he doesn’t understand what he has to do to prove himself to these guys. He cries is a dark corner of the grounds –breakdown city.
Of course, Ali is aware that there is tension with Justin and sympathizes with him, saying how similar this is to the situation with Vienna. Ummm, Ali, you hated Vienna. You were like Pontius Pilate and Vienna was Jesus and you cruicified her the whole season. You threatened to leave if Jake kept choosing Vienna. Yet, you sympathize with Justin? I guess no one told Ali the sacred rule: Chicks before dicks.
Ali is restraining herself from strangling Vienna here.
Roberto approaches Ali at the rose ceremony and mentions the Justin drama and Ali tells Roberto that Justin came to see her the same day as Hunter’s one-on-one date. And the flood gates let loose. Not one of the guys knows of this. “Justin didn’t tell you guys?”, Ali squeaks. I think maybe maybe there could be a glimmer of hope she sees that Justin is shady. Roberto immediately tells the guys, even Jesse, who succeeded in a Bachelorette first by sporting a denim shirt to the rose ceremony (I mean, he looked like he just got done painting a fence and it was awesome), but even he is thrown off. “Wwhhhhatttt??”, says Jesse. There is uproar among the guys. Justin’s Folly………oh but wait, the man strikes oil, he got a rose.
I still smell trouble. Alaska is great and all, but it still has people like Sarah Palin. It can't really be trusted.
Part Two: The Sleepers
Chris L. is a sleeper. They just don’t tape enough of him and Ali’s conversations and I think he’ll be in the top three. ABC is trying to trick me, but they can’t do it- I am on to them! Last night he finally told Ali about the close relationship he had with his mom and that she passed away a year and a half ago. Break through in their relationship, plus if you tell someone about a death, they’d have to be heartless not to give you a rose. Everybody wins.
Kurt. Kurt, I didn’t even know your name last week, so you’re definitely a sleeper. Kurt had the make-out scene in the bed with Ali during the Barenaked Ladies music video. And there was chemistry! Steamy, Kurt, very steamy. He did say the cutest thing after he got the rose on the group date. He said, “I’ve been myself this whole time and Ali likes me. Ali likes the real me!” I still feel this way about Robert. Robert likes the real me?! It makes me want to float on a cloud with Kurt.
Anyway, cheers to Chris L. and Kurt, keep it up boys.
Part Three: The Weatherman
This is already way too long, so I’m just going to throw it out there.
Is he gay?
He cried because he was so nervous about kissing Ali. The man cried. I’m sure nerves were at an all time high, but he was making me want to take a Xanax or a Valium or both during his breakdown. He makes me feel so awkward that I don’t know what to do with myself. I like want to cover my eyes like a horror moving when he starts talking to Ali. I’m certain Ali feels this, but still, he got a rose.
Ugg! The horror! Painful!
Part Four: Ali is shocked to find out that Roberto’s first language is Spanish.
ALI, HIS NAME IS ROBERTO. RO-BERT-O.
Ali is putty in Roberto’s hands by the way. PUTTY. He’s in the final two, I just know it.
Part Five: Are you sure about that, Hunter?
As we know, Hunter went home on his one on one date. Ali didn’t feel that romantic connection. Sorry, Ali, Hunter is normal and isn’t confessing his deepest secrets to you upon your first hour of conversation. Anyway, early on during the date when they were cooking burgers on the grill and things starting pouring out of Hunter’s mouth that I don’t think he could control. Ali said she felt domestic in the apron she had on. Hunter somehow started saying that he liked his job, but he could see himself cooking and cleaning and staying home with the kids.
Hunter, are you sure this is what you want?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Hunter!!! No one said you needed to be a stay at home Dad here. Did he just say that because he thought Ali wanted to hear it? We may never know. Single career oriented ladies in San Antonio, find Hunter. He could be the one for you.
That’s all for now folks……be sure to tune in next week, Ali and her suitors begin their trip around the world!
p.s. Just learned that The Barenaked Ladies didn't use that video as their "official video" and realized I wasn't even able to comment on Frank and his jealousy...oh wellllll...........