First and foremost, Chris N. likes Mexican food. Priceless.
The episode opens with everyone pumped to be in Iceland. I can’t blame them. I’ve never envisioned going to Iceland. Italy, yes. Africa, yes. Brazil, yes. Now, The Bachelorette series has made Iceland appealing. You can’t tell me you don’t want to be in that Lagoon thing right now. My bestie, Sarah gets stressed that she isn’t going to be able to travel to all of the places that she wants to see in the course of her lifetime. (She also gets stressed about my future car accidents and the future lawsuits that people will file against me when I hit them with my car, but that’s another story in itself.) I guarantee she’s going to have to tag Iceland on her list now. Thanks, ABC, more stress for Sarah.
Okay, to business.
The Poetry Reading
This is so brutal that they force these guys make up a poem and read it in front of Ali and the other guys, oh and America. There has to be a small percentage of guys that are okay with just writing poetry in general? Maybe, I’m wrong to assume this. I’m not a guy and I also grew up with Jeff Neal as a father, not William Shakespeare. Jeff Neal doesn’t write poems, he hunts for large animals and makes leather crafts. When my parents were newly married he brought my mom an orange cat that he found and named it Chi Chi. He then bestowed it on my mother as an affectionate gift. This is the sort of romance I grew up with, so you’ll have to forgive me.
Anyway, surprisingly, most of the guys kept it on the funny side. Not all of them (clearing my throat...Kasey) but most.
The highlight of the poetry reading began for me when Kasey (guardian/protector of the heart) is reading his poem and Chris L. finally pointed out that something is going on with his voice. YES. There IS something going on with his voice, Chris L. Then, someone clever behind the scenes at ABC headquarters (due Chris L.’s suggestion) popped in some subtitles while Kasey was finishing his poem. Well, Robert and I totally lost it and had to rewind this twice, not just because of the subtitles but because the subtitles at one point were a strand of question marks. ??????? Even the camera couldn’t decipher what on earth Kasey was saying through that cold Icelandic air.
Onto my main man, Chris N., who likes Mexican food. I give him props because he didn’t read his poem off of the little notepad, but he actually read it from memory like he was at an audition. Although he forgot the words and said that aloud making it really awkward for everyone, I give him points for giving it a go like a real stage actor there. Not necessary, but, whatever.
Alas, this extra gusto did not get Chris N. the one on one date.
Kirk gets the victory because he walked toward Ali, sat down next to her and recited his lines. Ali said that the guys should have learned from the date at the Lion King that the guy that comes towards her wins the challenge. Hmm. Well, Roberto won the Lion King date because he sang “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” into your eyes. Pretty sure the guys were all looking into your eyes as much as they could while reading their poems. I really try to root for Ali, I try, but I just don’t care for her “rules” on these challenges - with the Lion King challenge the guy that sang the best was supposed to win – that didn’t happen and it’s same story with the poem. The best poem didn’t win, but the guy that gave Ali adequate attention won. It just doesn’t seem fair to me. What is fair on reality television love? What?? Chris Harrison, I need answers here.
Poor Kirk and the Asbestos
The one on one with Kirk begins with the predictable voiceover of Ali stating that “she has fun with Kirk and loves how positive he is, but really wants to get to know him.” Also, how Kirk really has a, “zest for life.” How do these generic sayings poor out of her so easily? That could be said about any of those guys. I shouldn’t judge this; I haven’t walked a mile in the Bachelorette’s shoes aka pink converse…
Ali and Kirk start out their date having fun acting like a couple of kids and get matching sweaters. Iceland euphoria.
Ali is concerned because she learns Kirk hasn’t been in a relationship over a year and she feels that he is holding something back. (Ali, are you concerned about me, because until I met my husband, I hadn’t been in a relationship for over a year?) The concern about holding something back is legit. You really aren’t sure what you could be in for here. Was Kirk married? Was Kirk gay? Do you want a rose, Kirk? You better lay it on the table.
Little do we know that what he is hiding is how he was poisoned by Asbestos and was very sick for a couple of years. Well, hell, Kirk, talk about a Bachelorette first. Forget Iceland, buddy, we weren’t expecting that. I'm about to start a blog dedicated to former Asbestos victims now. Maybe he really does have a zest for life, poor kid. I can’t imagine having all of those symptoms and no one can figure out what is wrong with you. He’s definitely letting Ali in here, this can’t be easy for him to be so vulnerable with her. He gets the rose. Duh.
To me Kirk is the most likely to be friends with Robert and all of my friends’ husbands. I like him and it's not just because he's getting my sympathy vote here.
Kirk, I’m glad you’re healthy. Keep on keeping on. I'll say it again, you’re definitely a front runner.
Horses, Caves and the Lagoon
Besides the Lagoon, this entire day sounds sort of like my greatest fear. I’m just not adventurous like the risk taking, Ali. Freezing cold, large animals and going in a dark hole that looks like what baby Jessica got stuck in. Umm, no.
Nice shirt, Ty.
Ty definitely “cowboys” up and shows up everyone with his equestrian skills on this date. Way to represent the south, Ty. I bet your ex-wife is super proud of you.
Chris N. we never see. Did he even do the horses or the cave thing?
Chris L. falls off the horse. Ty comes to the rescue.
Frank isn’t giving Ali enough attention. Lastly, I don’t know if you caught the last clip while the credits were rolling, but Craig R. has to ride a donkey, not a horse. Best part.
After the torture of the day is over, they finally get to relax and have some booze and go to the coolest thing about Iceland, that huge hot tub, also called the Lagoon. OMG, well that's why The Bachelorette came to Iceland, the bigger the hot tub, the more room to make out it!! Ali definitely gets a little tipsy and takes full advantage of this, as do the guys, pulling her away whenever possible except for Chris N. who we finally get a shot of and is fully submerged to his chin in the lagoon thinking about what he's going to order at his favorite Mexican food restaurant when he gets home.
Ali assures Chris L., Ty, Frank and Roberto that she really is into them. Ty gets the rose.
Time marches on.
The Guardian and Protector of the Heart, Rated R and the Volcano
The tension has been mounting. Rated R got his cast off. Kasey has a tattoo to reveal. What is going to happen on this eruptive date?!
Get it? Eruptive?! Volcano??? Did they do that on purpose, I bet they did.
This whole date is painful. They all look painfully cold. Rated R is painfully a bad person and Kasey painfully needs therapy.
Kasey shows Ali his tattoo aka sends himself home and is then dramatically left on the glacier. I was really upset we didn’t get his leaving testimonial, but with further thought, it would have been way too emotional and I probably wouldn’t have been able to understand it, so it’s probably better that we didn’t see that.
Rated R is so obviously terrible I really don't find a need to comment on him. I love how he makes all of these comparisons of what is going on to wrestling. Need we remind you that your profession states that you are an Entertainment Wrestler?? That means the wrestling is FAKE, Rated R, as in staged, made-up, make believe. Please leave your wrestling analogies at the door next episode.
Kasey, so long, I know one day you will find that special lady that will allow you to guard and protect her heart and good luck explaining that tattoo for the rest of your life.
The Rose Ceremony – Finally
Frank gives Ali attention, which is good because Ali requires a lot of that. A LOT.
Craig is funny and draws a fake tattoo on his wrist making fun of Kasey. It’s kind of awful to make fun of the poor guy, but I’ve been doing it the whole season, so we're on the same page, Craig. Anyway, Marilyn Monroe once said, “If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything.”
Marilyn’s right. Craig made Ali laugh, Chris N. did not. Kasey definitely did not. Craig gets a rose.
Chris N., Chris N., I don’t even know how to start here. Ali is trying to dig and get something, anything out of him. He says two things here, two mere statements. Ali asks something that would surprise her about him and he says how his ex-girlfriend said that she was surprised to learn he is funny. Chris N., that is pretty effing surprising if I’ve ever heard it!! Ali asks what else is there about him that she doesn’t know. He responds that he likes Mexican food. Way to define yourself, Chris N. and way to go out more ambiguous than you came in!
As stated, Chris N. does not get a rose and claims that he is shattered in his limo testimonial. Are you, Chris N.? I was under the impression that you weren’t invested in Ali AT ALL and came to respect and admire this about you. Apparently, you had me fooled. Adios, Chris N., I hope you are enjoying some mean enchiladas right now.
Onward, Ali confirms to Roberto that he is too hot for her and she melts like a puddle in his arms. Top two, I'll say it again, the man will be in the top two.
Sidenote and must be mentioned: The convo between Ali and Chris Harrison before the rose ceremony. She's not ready to let go and let herself fall in love? Well, Ali, you picked the wrong T.V. show to be on. Perhaps something on Bravo would have worked better for you. She is making me nervous that she is going to pick anyone. That will be maddening. I don't want to hear the whole, they might break my heart business. I've seen many a person believe in love after terrible experiences, you can do it, Ali, pull through for me here.
Okay, who can’t wait for Istanbul next week??? And who has the girlfriend???!! Rated R, my money is on you!!