Resistance

Last winter was long. The cold stuck around longer than usual and brought Dallas an odd thing called snow that we’re not too used to round these parts. Last winter was also so good for me personally. During last winter I went from Neal to Scarff – from Uptown to Lakewood – from working with Mary to just working (that was the not good part-miss that dork) and from not cooking to “Culinary Adventures”.  

winter outside our window

I'm a Scarff 

Mary dealmaking at RPI

As The Byrds, so eloquently sung on The Forest Gump soundtrack, “To everything, turn, turn, turn, there is a season, turn, turn. “ Though the tune is actually adapted from Eclesiastes 3 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ecclesiastes%203:%201-8&version=KJV. Rather beautiful...

Now, according to all of the albums that have been posted on Facebook, “Spring had Sprung”  and many have “Spring Fever” . The season has changed and it feels good to feel the sun again and not wish that I had my ski jacket on if I leave the house.  But, now that the winter has passed and another season is here, I feel that I can reflect on the winter a bit; it was quite a season in my life. Quite wonderful, quite full, quite transforming. Spring has started off with good times too, but a theme that I’m seeing for me so far that keeps showing up over in my life is resistance. It sounds off I know. Coming from the transformation of last winter and being at a good place in my life, I feel the theme of resistance in so many areas.

A Sunstone Yoga Studio opened across the street from our place. As I’ve blogged about before, I love the hot yoga. The hot yoga I feel in love with was Bikram Yoga, a little different than what they do at Sunstone, but they do a special where they invite first timers to participate in $10 for 10 days of yoga.  I tried Sunstone in 2006, but I have a new name now, so surely I could get the deal again. Yeah right, they traced me, I had to pay $18 for 10 days. Anyway, I knew that my body was craving a good stretch and detox, I knew my mind needed a vacation from everything else, still, after I’d signed up for my 10 days, I was reluctant to go. (The 10 days start the first day you go, not the day you sign up.) I had been telling Robert, “You’ve got to make me go. Just make me.” So Saturday rolls around, we get up and Robert says, “Go to the 10:00 yoga class. I’m making you.” He’s sort of joking, but I’m annoyed and openly sulking and whining because I really don’t feel like it, but I’m feeling guilty because I paid the money and I did tell him to “make me” go. So, I put on my yoga clothes and I walk on over to the studio, still not in a good state of mind. The class and the people at the studio melted that state of mind completely away and I left that class feeling renewed, refreshed, engergized. Why was I so resistant to go?  Why do we not want to do things sometimes that we know would be good? There’s lots of reasons and for me lots of excuses I could come up with, but this time around I’m glad I pushed through the resistance and I went to yoga. Also as I’ve continued to go to yoga, the word resistance keeps popping up again during class…”push through the resistance in the postures” – “feel the resistance in your muscles during stretches” – Resistance, physical, mental – I’m experiencing it.

Right before spring got here and we had the weird March snow storm, I recognized some major resistance in my heart to forgive. My few readers know the story that’s left a scar on my heart much deeper than any break-up or hardship ever has. Basically, it’s just a separation from one of my best friends from high school. We were great friends and things happened, I’m not sure if I did something or if she did, but feelings were hurt and we’re just not in each others lives anymore. This stuff doesn’t happen to me. I don’t have “issues” with people, I rarely have fights or confrontations with anyone (except Sarah…ha). But, I’ve had an issue about this and time has passed and I noticed that when this person comes up in my life. I get a lump in my throat and want to cry. I don’t know if it’s because we’re not friends anymore and I miss that or because I can’t forgive the past and keep replaying the hurtful parts on repeat in my head. All I know is that I’ve had a hard time with it. During the March blizzard weekend, this person came to Dallas to celebrate my bf’s Lauren’s engagement. We are both bridemaids in Lauren’s wedding and had a weekend planned with bridesmaid dress shopping and celebrating all together. I was prepared to be happy and kind to her and put any issue aside, because this weekend was about Lauren and celebrating her and her fiances’ love. Why couldn’t I forgive, truly? I could act the part, but in my head and heart, I wasn’t planning to truly forgive and I knew it. Why was I so resistant?

Today, being a follower of Christ (though my life reflects this maybe 1% of the time) I’m reminded of what happened so many years ago. I’m reminded how he was crucified. I’m reminded how one of his dearest friends and disciples, Peter , who swore he would stand by him through everything, denied knowing Jesus, not one, but three times. And, most importantly, I’m reminded of Jesus’ words on the cross, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Jesus forgave those who were crucifying Him; how, then, how can I not forgive completely and wholly?  

After talking to Sarah and Robert about this person coming to Dallas and they both know that I’ve really been hanging on to hurt , they encouraged me to really let it go. Really move forward and really be friends. I think I finally did. The past is the past. Maybe she hurt my feelings and maybe I hurt hers. I pray she can forgive me and I pray I have truly forgiven her with all of my heart. A small, minuscule step towards how I can be a true follower of Christ.  

I’ll leave you with this Psalm 51 I read a couple weekes ago. I thought it was perfect for spring.

¹⁰ Create in me a pure heart, O God, 

       and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

 ¹¹ Do not cast me from your presence 

       or take your Holy Spirit from me.

 ¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation 

       and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Create- Renew- Restore- Joy- Grant- Sustain, what great great words. I am really feeling that I need that renewal of the "steadfast spirit within me" lately. 

Happy Easter everyone, celebrate that Christ rose from the grave. A true miracle that my faith stands on, though I rarely think about it. Also, eat lots of Easter candy, prefferably Reese’s eggs ;)