What do you really really really want?

I found this phrase on a scrap piece of paper that my mother had haphazardly put on our refrigerator. It was almost covered by one of our many souvenir magnets. My parents buy these every time they are somewhere 30 minutes from our hometown. I don't know how one starts collecting these, but, it is completely something my parents would do. Somehow, this scrap paper peeked through all of the Las Vegas, California and Texas cheesy magnets as I was opening the fridge for about the 20th time since I had been h0me. For some reason when I am in the safety of my childhood home, I find it necessary to eat as much as I can. I haven't figured out if it's because I know these people have to love me regardless of how grossed out they are that I've had three bowls of apple crisp or if it's because my mom's food is just that good. When I saw this scrap paper on the magnet, I stopped. Shockingly, the thought of more apple crisp left my brain and I took it off the fridge and stared at it. Underneath, this phrase, scrawled in my mom's handwriting, was, "my mantra". Wow. Does my mom wake up, get her coffee and think about what she "really really really wants". Did she get this from Oprah? She has been sounding very "zen" lately.

Wait....What do I really really really want? What if I asked myself this honestly everyday? Clearly, it would solve some problems. I really really really want to be healthy. Okay, so work out and don't make cookies and eat half the batter in the process. I really really really want to be good at my job. Okay, so try harder, focus, get off gmail. (Well, I'll work on that.) I really really really want to stop being stressed about money. Okay, keep track of it, stop overdrawing your bank account. Yes, I'm 25, and I still overdraw. I really really really want to understand God and my faith. Okay, so read, pray, meditate, surround myself with people and the tools to help me understand. I really really really want to write. I don't know why, I don't know in what capacity, but I know that when I write, I feel different than I do than when I'm doing another activity in the whole world. I feel "alive" if you know what I mean.

Frankly, I rather not quote Rent, but when asking myself what it is I really really really want, I tend to feel that there is "no day, but today". No, I'm not a HIV infected 20 something struggling in the East Village in New York, then again, most who connected with Rent weren't either. The powerful message of "THIS is the only moment we're guaranteed" even rings true in the ears of a 20 something struggling in Dallas living across the street from the West Village trying to figure out what in this life holds true value (yes, a cheesy description of me) .

So, I urge you to ask yourself right now, today...What do you really really really want???

love, alexis

post script: The first of many posts to come, I don't know what the hell they'll be about, but more posting there will be, stay tuned....