survival

Secret Pregnancy Journal - Entry 4

So, the rest of the week was pretty uneventful. I kept on trying to get through the work days without throwing up in front of someone and falling asleep at my desk. Oh the things you take for granted....

That upcoming weekend a dual birthday party for Robert and his friend, Andrew was on the roster. Andrew's girlfriend and I were hosting it at Andrew's house. He lives in this awesome house with his brother that is perfect for entertaining. We were going to watch the Texas game that started at 2 and it was just going to go on into the night. When the idea for this party came about and I agreed to host it, I was not pregnant. I wasn't worried about how I was going to get through the day, I was a normal person just wanting to throw her husband a decent dual birthday party. Of course, now being pregnant and coming off a fairly rough week of puking, the birthday party had a new spin to it. The theme for me was no longer, pace yourself with how many moscow mules you are going to consume. The theme was now - survival. How was I going to make it through this thing without people noticing I wasn't drinking and without getting sick.

I didn't know, but I didn't think it would be too hard. Luckily, it wasn't. It was going to be a pool party, but it was a humid and cloudy that day, so that wasn't an issue. Pool time avoided. Thank you, God. I had packed a 'kini, but I was dreading the possibility of putting on that thing. I know I was just 6 weeks pregnant here, but trust me, my body was already a completely different body. The slow conversion into becoming a whale was beginning. Anyway, I just did a lot of sitting and sipping on a very watered down ginger beer on ice. (Ginger anything really helps nausea/morning sickness.) Robert made it for me...maybe he put sprite in it too?? I'm not sure, but it was pretty good and I guess it worked because I didn't even get sick that day...yay! Success! Granted, I probably wasn't the best hostess and social butterfly at the party...but the theme was survival and survival was accomplished. It sounds so intense, but it really is survival mode during morning sickness days. Remember, just imagine being hungover....

We also told our first friend the news that weekend. BW, Robert's bff, came down to come to the dual b-day party. He was staying with us and we thought it would be best to tell him because he might notice me throwing up or something weird. Once again, Robert's manner with telling people this news is not normal. We are driving to Chic-fil-a to pick up a nugget tray before the party. It's me in the back and BW in the front and Robert driving. Out of nowhere, Robert says, "Alexis is pregnant." and BW replies with something like, "oh wow, I mean, congrats." I mean, what do you say?? It's such an awkward thing to tell people. There's just no right way to do it?

The weekend was a success and I'm glad to get another weekend of pretending I was not pregnant out of the way. On Monday, Robert found out that he had to go to Seattle for work on Thursday for about a week. Normal, rational, non-pregnant Alexis would know that she would miss Robert, but would be okay with this.  She would know that it would go by fast and that she could get in some good girl time, catch up on cleaning and watch a lot of girly television while Robert was oot. Not normal, completely irrational, pregnant Alexis was NOT okay with this. Okay enough talking about myself in the third person.

I pretended to be okay with this for a day or so. Then I had a big huge breakdown about it and just being pregnant in general. Robert leaving for a short while made me realize how dependent I was on him during this time. I was totally emotionally dependent on him.  He was the only one who knew I was pregnant, he was the only one who would get me saltines when I was dying. I was scared that he was leaving and I just started to feel really alone. Then I started to realize just what in the eff was about to happen and how drastically my life was about to change.

I was sobbing to Robert two nights before he was leaving....."but I can't even go to Norman with my friends. even if they knew I was pregnant, I'm too tired to enjoy it!!! I can't even go to dinner with my friends because they'll know I'm not drinking. I'm never going to be able to drink again with my friends. my life is changing FOREVER!!!" Granted once the morning sickness passes and my friends actually know that I'm pregnant, life will get a little easier. I was being dramatic. I realize that I will drink again with my friends. The thing is though, that my life will never be the same. I'm going to have a baby (God willing), I really can't just pick up and go to Norman or have dinner with my friends anymore.  Life was changing and it was changing in a big way and frankly, I was upset about it.

The pregnancy books and websites tell you that you will have mixed emotions about being pregnant. Even if you've been trying and you feel totally ready. I didn't imagine it would be this much of a mix of emotions. And yes, you DO feel bad when you have these emotions because it IS a complete blessing to be pregnant. It's a gift from God and you hate yourself for feeling upset about it. But, for lots of mamas, it's just part of the process.

The next day was better and the day after that better still. Deep breath. Everything is going to be okay. This is when I've got to trust that God has a plan for me and knows what He's doing. I trust...I have faith. It gets better.

Robert leaves early on a Thursday morning. Later that morning, I have my first appointment at our OBGYN's office. I'm going to get another sonogram and meet with the nurse practioner. Robert was going to come, but since he had to leave, obvi, I was going alone. No big deal though, I'm just meeting the nurse practioner. I can be a single independent mother today. I get to the office and I'm sipping a sprite. Sprite was the only thing I could drink at this point. Water just sounded horrible. I take the sprite with me to the sonogram. They are used to this right? Pregnant women sipping on sprite? I get another freaking vaginal sonogram. Hear the baby's heartbeat (awesome) and see that other extra sac. Everything is fine, but that extra sac, which she says should just go away. Alrighty. I wait for the nurse practioner in another room. I start to get paranoid that she'll judge me for drinking a sprite and I throw it away. She comes in. She's like the most gorgeous Indian girl I've ever seen. (Indian like bindi, not feather) We talk all about everything you talk about. She's great. Then at the end of the appointment, she springs it on me that they need to take my blood because of the extra sac.  They have to check my hormone levels or something. Seriously? That sac needs to get a life. It's not getting a life in my uterus and it needs to go away.

I ask her if it's okay if I lay down on the table to get the blood taken. I explain that I'm totally fine with it, but I faint sometimes and I just want to be careful. She is like sure of course you can. Great. I lay down and I'm am taking deep breaths. I am telling myself that this is NO big deal. I am thanking God for nurses and doctors. I'm trying to recite Bible verses in my head. "the Lord is my shepherd, i shall not want. he makes me lie down in green pastures...i can't remember the rest"  I actually went to my 7 year old shot/giving blood tactic where I would think about Disneyland. Yes, I was laying there thinking about Disneyland.

The nurse comes in and I'm laying down and looking at the wall refusing to look at her because I know if I see the needle, I will do something weird. She is nice and really good and does her job and takes the blood. Somewhere in there I faint. I wake up to the nurse practioner waving that amonia thing in front of my nose asking me if I'm okay. I'm okay, I say. I have fully sweat through my clothes. They are drenched. She asks me if I've eaten today and I tell her yes, crackers and sprite. She comes back with water and peanut butter crackers and just tells me to keep laying down. I felt like I laid in there for like 20 minutes...time was going really slow. I finally sit up and eat the crackers and drink the water. I was totally fine, but I just felt like an idiot. Thankfully, the nurse practioner was great. She told me that her sister does the exact same thing, I still know they wrote: CAUTION: WEIRDO on my chart or maybe CAUTION: This one will be FUN in the delivery room...she can't even give blood. ppppffffffftttttttt. Surely, this gets easier? When? Surely???

That night one of my best friends is in town from Chicago for her high school reunion. She calls me to meet up. I tell her I fainted giving blood today and I was just too wiped out. True life, but also, I'm pregnant. Whoops. The next night is Friday and it's my first time to see another one of my best friends....pregnant!!! Ahhh...Ashley!! She was so so cute and we had the most fun dinner with her bestites from high school. I tell her that I wasn't drinking because I had a headache from my boss smoking that day in the office. Again, true (yes, I have a boss that knows I'm pregnant and keeps smoking.) and also, oh p.s. I'm pregnant, so so sooo hard not to tell her. I know I want to wait but still, just so hard. After dinner, I debate going by a party that another best friend is having for her roommate. (i have so many best friends?? haha.) I feel really tired, buttttt, I haven't seen Lindsey or Jenny in so long and I really want to see them. I feel like it will be harmless just to stop by for a second. So I go by, I quickly realize that I'm not going to make it. Lindsey shoves a cupcake in my hand and I eat it as I say hi to everyone. I pour myself an Squirt to drink and hope no one notices me not put vodka in it. One of my favorites, Ben, takes a sip of it and is like, "yeah, that's just Squirt." haha. I start to get really tired and feel sick and realize I need to leave before I throw up. I totally sketch out and realize pregnant girls just cannot party even for like 20 minutes. Again, my life changing before my eyes. Bitter and sweet.

That weekend, I didn't leave the house except to get food. I mostly stayed in bed and it was great. I bawled my eyes out during Sex and the City II like it was Steel Magnolias?? #pregnancy

Robert got home that next Wednesday, his birthday. I had survived with out him....just barely, but I survived.... :)