sh*t starts to get real

9/29/11 - Secret Pregnancy Journal - Entry 2

So, before I go into to our adventure to the gynecologist. I'm going to have talk about a couple things.

I'm 8 weeks pregnant now. It is so hard that my friends don't know. I'm like leading this weird double identity life. Non pregnant by day. Pregnant by night. Sounds just like that movie "The Saint" right? Ha. bad joke. Anyway, I am used to having a core group of friends that know what is going on in my life. I want to wait til I'm 12 weeks pregnant to tell everyone for several reasons.
1. your doctor actually recommends that you don't tell anyone before than because the first 12 weeks because you are at the most risk to have a miscarriage during that time. They even say not to tell your parents. Intense. Yeah, couldn't do that.
2. I am still trying to process this. Hello?? I am pregnant. This means a lot for anyone, but I have a couple other steps I have to get through. One being I have to stop taking the anti-depressant I'm on. It's pretty stout stuff and this poor baby doesn't need to be taking it. So, I'm tapering down off of that and will be off it completely in a couple weeks. That = me possibly being more unstable than normal. The second factor is my job, Robert's job, our stability, our one room duplex. I know God will provide. I know we will be totally fine. Robert is a rockstar and a hard worker and makes me feel secure about it all. BUT, there is a lot that Robert and I had to talk through. I needed to be assured of all that stuff you freak out about when you realize you are having a baby. All that I was really thinking is "WE ARE NOT READY FOR THIS." Maybe that thought will fade by the 12 week mark, but I doubt it. :)
3. and finally as excited as I am to tell everyone, part of me doesn't want the attention. I think I got a life's worth of that when I got married. ha. Now and the coming year was supposed to be the time that I was going be happy for my other friends having babies and accomplishing things. I wasn't ready for this. This wasn't my time to have a baby.

Those are my thoughts on the waiting to tell at the 12 week mark. Re-reading the last couple sentences, I need to realize that apparently, I'm wrong, apparently it IS my time to have a baby. God made it happen and since I attempt to trust Him. This is my time to do it. Really trust Him. So, I'm praying for a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy. This is part of me now. Or as my psychologist would say, "part of my truth". :)

Can I also talk about something else real fast? Just a little vent. I AM SO TIRED. I'm sort of a sleepy person anyway, but now it's at a whole new level. I'm going to bed earlier, sleeping harder and I'm extra drowsy during the day. I could lay in bed all day and be happy. I know because I did this last Saturday and Sunday. I did laundry during this time, so I didn't feel completely worthless. And have I been sick and nauseous? Yes. Uggg. Yes. I've thrown up. Some days I throw up all day. Some days just once and I'm good to go. Nauseous...almost all the time. I'm learning how to keep the nausea at bay though. Basically eat all the time. Like every hour. I mean seriously, if my stomach is empty at all, I immediately want to throw up and usually do. So, yeah. I'm eating all the time. Awesome.

Things I can eat
-Saltines (i basically eat a sleeve of them a day. not joking. Pregnant women alone must be able to sustain the Saltine market.)
-Kraft mac and cheese
-Ritz (i've not blossomed to ritz bitz with cheese, ritz bitz with peanut butter and ritz snack mix)
-jello
-applesauce
-Capri Suns (i know. werid.)
-Sprite
-Gatorade
-m and m's
-mini kit kats (occasional. but, yeah, i'm fat)
-toaster strudels (weird again. i haven't had them, but definitely bought them.)
-Cheerio's (plain)
-sometimes pizza
-sometimes queso, tortillas and other mild mexican
-fruit is starting to sound good so that's finally something healthy...yay

That about covers my diet for the last month. The mere thought of anything else kind of makes me nauseous/throw up immediately. Hopefully this will lift after the first trimester. We will see. Also, this semi-vegetarian is eating meat whenever she feels like it. Honey badger does not care.

and sidenote: being pregnant for me is an AWFULLY lot like being hungover. It's uncanny. And you know how awful it is to be hungover at work? Like the worse? Well, don't feel sorry for me...but yeah...welcome to pregnancy.

Okay....soooo, Robert and I going to the gyno. He was really so sweet to go with me. I mean, I know he's the father and all, but that cannot be fun for a guy. It's just uncomfortable. I don't know how I'd feel going to a penis doctor with him? (Not that penis doctor's exist.) Soooo, it's September 7th and we go on in to my doctor at Medical City. Robert is already in awe with all of the women's magazines in the waiting room. Good Housekeeping, Parenting, Children Mags, More, People. You know the basics. He digs through them and finds a Newsweek to read as we wait. (The Newsweeks are for women like Sarah and Miranda Hobbs.) We are called back to the room. I have to pee in the cup first and then I go back to the room and wait for the doctor. Robert is mystified with all the models and diagrams. Isn't it FUN to be a girl? ha. The doctor comes back and tells me that I definitely pregnant, my test came back very positive. Very! Well, okay! I mean, it's sort of surreal. A trained physician is telling you that you are definitely pregnant. We don't discuss too much. She doesn't deliver babies anymore. We talk about a plan to taper down off my meds and she schedules me for a sonogram before she sends me to another doctor. It's scheduled for the next Monday, the 12th. AHHHHH. How am I going to get a sonogram and not tell my friends about it??

Also, HOW, did I not know that my gyno for the last five years doesn't deliver babies?? hmmmm. My head really is that in the clouds, isn't it? Am I surprised about where my head is? No.

Robert and I decide to tell our parents and grandparents after we get the "yes" from the doctor. This was fun. Expect, that Robert had absolutely NO bedside manner with this. (I take that back, he did with his Mamaw. She cried, which made me want to cry. It was very sweet.) But, telling his mother was a completely different story. He did not even give a warm up to his poor mother, such as, "Hi Mom. How's your day?? Oh that's nice. Well, Alexis and I have a little bit of UNEXPECTED news...." No, he did not do that. His mom answers the phone and he says, "Alexis is pregnant." in this flat voice, while checking his email. I mean??? No. He might have well had say, "It rained here today." or "We had pizza for dinner." Then he says, "No, no we didn't plan it." I'm just staring at him in awe. Then Robert's mom asks to talk to me because obviously, I'm going to be acting more appropriately. We are excited and I tell her about the pregnancy test in Garland at Buffalo Wild Wings and our first doctor's appointment. Blah, blah, blah. She was probably cringing and confused about how redneck I am to take a pregnancy test at Buffalo Wild Wings, but hopefully the news of her first grandchild made her forget that part. Meanwhile, I am calling and texting my mom off the hook and she is not calling me back. Seriously?? The woman who calls all the time and texts me paragraphs is not answering her phone?? Today of ALL days.

Let me go back and tell you that my mom is "ready for grandkids". She conveyed this to Robert the first time I brought him home. We had been dating a month. I leave him alone with her for TWO seconds and she tells him, "you know, i'm ready for grandkids." I mean, out of the blue, no one was talking about grandkids. Thank the lawd he didn't freak out and catch the next bus out of Carlsbad. Instead we laughed about it together because obviously, he was the one. ;)

Since we've been married my mom has really changed her tune on this whole grandkids bit. She has been trying to play this "wait to have kids" card. I can see it's a big masquerade, but I let her tell me "how much work kids are" and "how expensive they are"...like I'm not aware of that. I tell her, "mom, we are not even trying. and I KNOW."

Regardless, I was really excited to tell her and I know that she would FREAK out. Plus, she really has been needing some good news, since her doggy died. :( Finally, I reach her. I tell her, "Mom, I went to the doctor today and I'm pregnant!" A high pitched scream started at the other end of the line and did not stop. I told her about the pregnancy test the weekend before. The screaming commenced. Lots and lots of screaming. Happy screaming though :). She was driving home screaming and when she got home, my dad was there and I got to tell him the news. He was really excited too. He said he had been thinking about me a lot lately and now he knows why. I feel blessed more than my words can say to have those two as parents. Telling them I was pregnant might be one of the neatest things I've ever got to do. Telling my little sister was pretty fun too. Little sis is going to be a little aunt?? ahhhh.

That was a good day. I'm pregnant. :) Now, I'm wondering how I'm going to get through the TYSO pub crawl pregnant/sober and how this sonogram bit is going to go.....oh and now I've got to tell the people at work. Eeekkkkk.