ppppffffftttttt: Episodes 7&8 or more commonly referred to as Belize and Hometowns

Journey, if you will, back to a simpler time....before the families were involved....before Emily and Rachel went home...before life became complicated....journey back to the third world country of.....Belize

If I recall correctly, Ben really likes designer wife beaters in this episode. It's not okay. A wife beater alone is pretty gross, but something about a wife beater with textured stripes and a small pocket is even sadder. They all arrive...yadda yadda yadda...no one can believe it's the week leading up to hometowns. The girls arrive at their suite thing and Chris Harrison shows up to brief them on the upcoming week. (All I can think is how Chris Harrison has the best job ever. Dude is just chilling in Belize all week and all he has to do in exchange is give a 5 minute explanation about date cards. I mean, if the girls haven't caught onto this concept yet, heaven seriously help them.)

Nikki is already crying? Courtney is make threats and hostile comments. This is going to be a long one isn't it?

First one on one goes to.....Lindzi! (horse girl and first impression rose winner.)

And just what are they doing, well riding a helicopter of course!! Does this show own their own helicopters? They should think about investing in that. Chris Harrison could take it to "work" when they're not using it for dates. So, we see aerial footage of Belize. Gorgeous! Ben comments on how Lindzi is being so easy going...how does she do it?! Laid back city is where Lindzi lives. Doesn't Ben know that everyone is easy- going on vacation. Seriously, everyone. I'm family members with high strung individuals that can manage to be laid back on vacation. I digress...

Ben springs it on her that they have to jump from the helicopter into the ocean in the middle of a barrier reef. Isn't that a fun surprise?! NO. Couldn't Ben have shared that with her before the joy ride began? That might have been polite. Lindzi is scared of heights, which I'm beginning to think is a requirement to be a contestant on this show, and she is not sure about this whole jumping off bit. But, somewhere deep inside she finds the strength to jump. That or she just realizes that she has no choice since this is going on TV. They jump...the falling in love metaphor ensues. "If they can do this together, they can do anything."

I really can't figure out how I came to the decision that Robert is the right guy for me without jumping out of a helicopter with him. Mind boggling.

Onto the nighttime portion of the date. Ben is looking for Lindzi to open up. Lindzi wants to open up but she's scared. She's also doing this weird thing with her head and neck. That cannot be the natural way she holds her head. There has to be effort there. Maybe if she could just relax and not worry about holding her head that way, she could concentrate on telling Ben how she feels. Finally it comes, Lindzi tells Ben she wants him to meet her family. Wait, is that all she had to say? My gosh, child, get a therapist, that is not hard to choke out, especially if you want that effing rose. I tell strangers that I want them to meet my parents. Maybe I need a therapist. Well, I already have one...nevermind!

Then Ben tells Lindzi they are going to write "their fairytale" and put it in a bottle...message is a bottle. Fairytale?! I'd hardly call the series of strained convos that they've endured a fairytale. ppppfffftttttt. I'm sending out an SOS and this is PAINFUL. Please stop writing this. They even draw a picture on the other side of the paper. They roll it up and put it in one of those huge magnum wine bottles that you can get at the grocery for $8. We see a shot of the bottle floating in the ocean. I'm guessing that it will be picked up in the next 8 hours and thrown away, it didn't seem to be floating anywhere. This is not one of those cool things where someone will find that bottle in 50 years and wonder about the couple that wrote it and how madly in love they were. You know, what romantic comedies are made of. This is NOT one of those things. And Ben and Lindzi are NOT madly in love. They maybe lukewarm like each other. Maybe. Sidenote: Lindzi wears too much make-up and needs to die her hair dark. Yes, I said it.

Meanwhile...back in the suite. Emily is going on the next one on one. Courtney cries about it. This is so hard for her. Concentration camp hard. Help this woman. pppppfffffffttttttttt.

And here we go with Emily!

You know, I started to like her on this date. She and Ben had a fun time together. Just roaming through the village. They bike...they play basketball. So active right now! She said she felt like she was on vacation with her boyfriend. Well, great, that's the point of this thing, right? They spontaneously come upon a lobster fisherman and decide to fish for lobsters to eat that night for dinner!

SO spontaneous! If that wasn't planned, I will eat my shoe.

So they lobster fish, which sort of looked cool, but sort of freaked me out. I think I prefer New England lobsters. Those looked a little mutated or something? Oh well...when in Rome...

We all know Ben and Emily have had their ups and downs. (ha. I sound like they've been in this tumultuous a year relationship....) but this day is an UP...it just can't be going any better. They are really focusing on "their" relationship and the word Courtney doesn't come up....oh but then it does! But, it seems to be fine, they are having fun. Ben tells Emily that she's smart. Does he just feel obligated to say that because she is getting her PhD in something? Has he seen any real evidence that she is smart? Idk. But, I thought Ben was feeling Emily and that she'd definitely get a rose and we'd be headed to her hometown.

But, I'm wrong about nearly everything. So, yeah, we all know Emily goes home sans Ben. She told people.com in an interview last week that she was glad and she really didn't know the real Ben. YES, EXACTLY. This is a television show. Maybe there is hope for this doctor to be. Maybe she'll try match.com again and not be matched with her brother? We'll see you at the Women Tell All, Emily.

And then we learn, Courtney gets the next one on one. Well, thank the Lawd! She was maybe NOT going to accept the rose if she didn't get a one on one. Gasp!

This, along with Courtney's other off-handed comments, causes the women to begin openly hating her. It's about time. Emily has been caring this torch alone and they all know she's awful. Call a spaid, a spaid, ladies. Or whatever that saying is. Kacie B. even starts cussing...F bombs! Also, it must be pointed out that I called Courtney "The Black Widow Spider" in a previous post and Kacie B. calls her that in this episode. I feel so validated as a blogger now. ha. jk. I don't really see that ever happening.

Anywayyyyy....Courtney's one on one. She is talking about how the spark is gone with Ben. She's not sure if she can get it back. She tells Ben she's not one to unload her feelings, but she needs to get this out. Why is Ben not running?? Why is Ben not sending her home right now?? But, Courtney's reverse psychology is working like a charm. Ben loves it. He loves it and he loves this Mayan temple they are climbing up. Courtney says with each step she felt all the drama and the stress melting away and by the top...the spark was back with Ben! Just like that! I wonder how many divorces could be resolved through this same exercise?

Ben says he feels close to his Dad at the top of the temple and all Courtney says is, "Awww" in this whiny voice. Seriously? Say something else. ANYTHING else. That is a pretty intimate thing for him to tell her, right?! But, Ben is great with Courtney's response, proving to people everywhere that looks are everything.

And it's dinner time....more red flags for Ben that he chooses to blatantly ignore. Courtney brings up the other women in the house and says they don't get along and calls them boring. Ouch. Ben asks if she has friends back home and she said something like, "Yes, a lot! Well a lot of guy friends." Meaning, no, she has no friends. Ben tells the confessional later that he doesn't want to be with someone that other people don't get along with. Well, Ben it's happening right before your eyes. Right this second. You are with someone that no body likes. Mother Teresa wouldn't even like Courtney.

Group date time! Nikki, Kacie B. and Rachel. All 3 girls are getting serious about this rose. A rose means Ben is going to meet your family. Ahhhh! But, even with that stress they are extremely relieved that Courtney isn't on the date. Woooo....let's drink and be on a boat!

And what are they doing...snorkeling with the sharks! WHY...really why are they doing this? Unless you are an underwater photographer for National Geographic I don't really see the point. Rachel has a shark phobia. So Ben is giving her lots of extra attention. I wish they would have played the Jaws music. This whole "Rachel needs attention thing" annoys the hell out of Kacie B. Ben is basically with Rachel the whole time, but really, it's not like there is major bonding going on here. a. It's Rachel b. they are snorkeling, there is little talking involved. Everyone is over the snorkeling in about 20 minutes because really that's about the snorkeling threshold. You poke your head underwater, think "wow! look at that! hmm neat!" and then you're ready to get back on the boat.

Pool time and cocktails! Ben and Rachel talk. I can't remember about what. Obviously, there is nothing there. Ben and Kacie B. talk...Kacie tells Ben she's falling in LOVE with him. Whoa there! Nikki tells Ben she wants to take him home and reminds us that the last time she took a guy home she married him. Yes, Nikki, you're divorced, we all remember. Kacie B. gets the rose for being so "open". I'm sure the other girls are thinking, "Well, you sneaky bitch, Kacie B.! What did you say?" Then the convo between Ben and the ladies takes a turn from awkward to serious when the girls semi-warn Ben that Courtney might not be there for the right reasons. I think he drones out those words so that they sound like the teacher from Charlie Brown. Ben is already under Courtney's evil spell, it's too late to save him.

Rose ceremony. Everyone is tense except for Courtney. I think maybe she got some marijuana from one of the maids or something. She is so strange. She is having a love affair with her pina colada. Okay?? Here comes Chris...anddddd there's not cocktail party. Well, shoot, no last ditch efforts a la Jamie to get Ben to pick them. Nope not this time. Ben knows what he wants to do. It begins. He pulls Courtney over to "talk". The other girls think this might be it! Ben has seen the light and Courtney is going home!! But, Nikki brings us all back to reality and says she thinks there is a 50/50 chance. Maybe Nikki does get men more than we think? That failed marriage thing is coming in handy! Because deep down we all know Ben is not sending Courtney, the model, home. He asks Courtney about her intentions...she tells him some generic answer and we all know that's all he needs. Courtney gets the rose. Rachel goes home. Emily goes home. They both didn't make too big of a scene. Clearly, this gentleman does not prefer blondes.